Crossroad Online

Hi this is Pastor Ken and I want to thank you for joining me today for the Monday Marriage Message.

As a pastoral marriage counselor, I can’t help but hear, see and read things through the lens of how they might influence the institution of godly marriage. I regularly consider how all of it would either affect marriage in a negative or a positive way. I can honestly say that not much I experience won’t get poured through that particular filter. I think it helps me be a better counselor, pastor, teacher, and frankly a better spouse.

I was listening to a sports podcast this past week and the person being interviewed kept using a phrase that caught my attention. I know that he was employing it in a business model context, and that he had not coined the phrase personally, but it struck me how pertinent it is to an awesome marriage. This man kept expressing that in his role as the CEO of a particular sports league he continuously tried to make sure he was “Doing the next right thing”. He spoke of the many ups and downs, challenges and even controversies he had presided over during his tenure, and how “Doing the next right thing” had served him so well. As I listened I wondered, how much more successful we might all be at fulfilling our roles as husbands and wives if we were always looking for the opportunity to “Do the next right thing”.

Any realistic view of marriage is going to include challenges that are not always responded to as they ought to be. Tongue-in-cheek, I tell every couple who comes to me for pre-marital counseling that their marriage would be perfect except that the two of them are going to be a part of it. Human beings, it turns out, have a propensity for doing the wrong thing, simply stated, we are just good at it…that is why it is such an important endeavor to be looking for the chance to “Do the next right thing”. Even the Apostle Paul wrote that “If you marry you haven’t done anything wrong, but you will have trouble”. (My personal paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 7:28). “Doing the next right thing” is what shortens the duration of the trouble.

This is actually a biblical concept. I just said that “Doing the next right thing” has the potential to shorten the duration of marital trouble. I would go so far as to say that scripturally speaking it isn’t simply possible that will be the outcome, it is in fact, probable. When we are mistreated, the Bible offers several ways to “Do the next right thing”. One of my favorites is Romans 12:21. That verse instructs us, Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. I find it easy to remember chapter and verse for this concept because the idea here is to give back the reverse of what has been given; coincidentally, the reference is reversed as well…chapter 12, verse 21. But why would we do this? Conventional wisdom would indicate that if we let someone get away with mistreating us they will almost certainly think they can continue to do so. Right? Not so according to scripture, especially in close personal relationships such as marriage. I would like to read to you the verses leading up to this one, and I especially like the way The Living Bible says it. Romans 12:17-21; Never pay back evil for evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honest clear through. Don’t argue and fight with anyone. Be at peace with everyone, as much as is humanly possible. Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God, for he has said that he will repay those who deserve it. Don’t take the law into your own hands. Instead, feed your enemy if he is hungry. If he is thirsty give him something to drink and you will be “heaping coals of fire on his head.” In other words, he will feel ashamed of himself for what he has done to you. Don’t let evil get the upper hand, but conquer evil by doing good.

As I said worldly wisdom would say that returning evil for evil, is the only way to let someone know how it feels to be mistreated. Wordly wisdom on the other hand indicates otherwise. God’s thoughts on the subject indicate that “Doing the next right thing” by treating someone correctly though they have mistreated you, will bring them under conviction. Our thought is that they won’t know they were wrong if we don’t show them a reflection of their own behavior. God says that contrasting their poor actions with righteous ones will stand out much more clearly to them. I like that this scripture also gives remedy for a hardhearted person. If the contrast of returning good for evil doesn’t have its intended effect, we don’t need to fret, God is clear, He will repay them for their unrighteousness. We can simply stay in our lane and continue to “Do the next right thing”.

As hard as it is to admit, sometimes it is us who have been the instigator. Perhaps we didn’t start it, but we allowed ourselves to become engaged in the disrespectful words or unloving actions. Maybe we missed the first opportunity we had to “Do the next right thing”, possibly even the second or third. I get it, our spiritual enemy is always trying to kill, steal and destroy the peace in our marriages. The devil is constantly hard at work to get us off track. Thankfully, scripture offers the solution for that. “Do the next right thing” James 4:7 says Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Whenever you recognize that Satan has been getting his way in your marriage, respond as instructed…do what God would want you to, this is the first step in resisting the devil. God’s word is clear what the result of that will be…the devil will flee! Don’t let the enemy’s tactics of guilt and shame keep you from doing well, it’s not too late…it is always the right time to “Do the next right thing”.

Incidentally, if you have been listening to the Monday Marriage Message podcast for a while now you have undoubtedly heard me speak about the fact that the primary purpose of marriage according to scripture is to be a marital mirror God can look into and see His reflection. You have also heard me teach about the fact that it is in our God given one flesh condition that our potential to be more like Him is exponentially increased. Additionally, you have heard me encourage you to keep your eyes on your own paper, meaning that we all have the ability to make sure our portion of our marriage reflects God, regardless of what our spouse might be doing at any given time. If we keep these truths in mind the ability to follow the direction given in James four and “Do the next right thing” becomes more evident. When we “submit to God”, we do what He wants us to, which is to reflect Him. Additionally, if we submit to God we are allowing our half of our marriage to reflect him regardless of whether our “one flesh” partner is doing so or not. Finally, by submitting to God and reflecting Him we will be resisting the devil who would like to convince us in the moment that we should reflect the words, actions or attitude our spouse. So what powers such a response that is so contrary to our nature? Philippians 4:13 gives the answer…I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. As Christ followers, we don’t have to go-it-alone…even when our spouse isn’t in step with us. Christ gives the strength in every situation to “Do the next right thing”. All of us have the desire from time to time to reflect the poor attitudes of our spouse rather than the perfect ones of God. We are all occasionally tempted to reflect our spouse instead of our Creator. Thankfully, we can rest assured that; No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, (The next right thing) that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

While we are on the subject of being awesome marital mirrors who do a great job of choosing to “Do the next right thing” to reflect God, here are some additional encouragements. According to Proverbs 21:3. Choosing to “Do the next right thing” is more pleasing to God than sacrifice. Sacrifice in the Old Testament was the symbolic way that people illustrated their love and commitment to God. It was how they showed God it was their desire to be His people. So, when you choose to “Do the next right thing”, especially in terms of your marriage you are illustrating those very things to God. In fact, His word says that “Doing the next right thing” shows your love and commitment to Him better than anything else you could do.

Finally, If we want to reflect God well then we need to look like His Holy Spirit. In Galatians 5:22-23 we can read the exact attributes His Spirit exudes. Knowing that, we have even more clarity about what the visible results of our marital mirrors should be.  The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If we keep these fruits of His Spirit in our minds and we desire to allow them to be borne out in our lives, we will almost certainly always know how to “Do the next right thing”.

Questions to answer:

• What things get in the way of you choosing to “Do the next right thing”?
• What effect does it have on you when your spouse chooses to “Do the next right thing” in regards to a poor interaction with you?
• What effect has “Doing the next right thing”, or the lack of it, had on your marriage?

Actions to take:

• Consider ways that the two of you can attempt to increase the frequency of “Doing the next right thing”.
• Commit Galatians 5:22-23 to memory so that you are never without a great guideline of what the right response should be.

So now, reflecting your Creator in your marriage, choose to “Do the next right thing”…and go be awesome!

Hi, this is Pastor Ken and I want to welcome you to the Monday Marriage Message.

When people come to see me for help with their marriage, I invite them to sit down and tell me how I can help. This question often reveals much more than a couple may have intended to let me in on during our first visit. What I mean by that is that their answer to that question often times tells me much more than the words alone convey.

As people tell me what they deem to be the marital problem they are struggling with, most times it seems their opinion is that if their spouse would only speak, act or respond differently, the problem would dissipate. People are gracious and most don’t desire to unload all of the blame for the trouble in their marriage on their spouse. So, they often preface the unpacking of their spouses transgressions by stating “I know I am not perfect, but…” and then proceed to let me in on their spouse’s imperfections which are of course the source of all of their trouble.

The “problem spouse” in these situations usually react in one of several ways. They may just sit quietly and endure the exposition of all of their wrongdoing. They might take issue with their spouse on one or two points, picking their battles, but offering excuses for the seemingly more egregious of their failures. Sometimes they will rise up and disagree with all of it and then try to turn the tables and share that while they may do the things their spouse is complaining about, every failure on their part is only a reaction to their spouses failures.

As I said a moment ago, all of this is far more revealing than the parties sitting in front of me understand. So what do I know? What am I able to extract from these particular conversations?

First of all the primary problem that is revealed in these situations is that there is a serious lack of developed unity. If the couple agree with my assessment, they may think that means that they are not on the same page, do not see the issues the same way, and therefore are unable to get along in peace. While these things might in fact be problematic for them, that is not at all what I mean by underdeveloped unity or oneness. I understand that the fact that they see things differently than one another, and that they don’t agree on solutions is not indicative of a lack of unity. Their propensity to view those differences as problematic is what indicates their oneness has not been developed as it should have. Unity is not a meeting of the minds, unity is the strength obtained by recognizing and valuing the differences possessed as providing more ways to work together…not fewer.

What these couples are effectively doing is indicting, judging and convicting each other as wrong simply because the other does not act, think and respond as they would. They often see every differing response from their spouse as argumentive, and as a personal attack.

This leads to the second difficulty troubling these couples. Their judgmental attitudes toward one another. Each is standing in judgment of the actions words and thoughts of the other. One of the phrases I use to help couples successfully resolve this problem is to “Keep their eyes on their own paper”. What do I mean by that? I prefer to let Scripture explain.

While giving the Sermon on the Mount Jesus addressed this very issue. In Matthew 7:1-5 it is recorded that He said; “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?  How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

When we decide that another person should not say, think or respond in a certain way we are judging them. Certainly there are times when this is necessary, and in fact there are occasions where we would not be doing our due diligence if we failed to discern between right and wrong. Parenting is an excellent example of this. We would do far more harm than good if we chose to simply ignore incorrect responses in our children. Scripture indicates that we must parent responsibly. Proverbs tells us that if we want a good outcome we need to offer our children our correction. “Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.” Proverbs 13:24 Another example comes from Proverbs 22:6, Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. It is clear, in the parent/child relationship, we are to make our children aware of their missteps and take the necessary steps ourselves to correct them. I believe however, that even in the parental role, scripturally we are cautioned that the measure we use to judge our children’s activity will be used on us in our interactions with them going forward.

Additionally, we see in scripture that if we have a brother or sister in Christ who has sinned against us we are instructed to go to them privately and make them aware of the problem. Only if that doesn’t bring resolution are we to delicately follow the biblical prescription of involving others, and always from a pure motive of love. Even here we must be cautious to do so in a non-judgmental nature, offering the same level of grace and mercy that we would want shown to us. (Matthew 18:15-17)

Interestingly within the marital relationship, the scripturally prescribed response to a perceived failure is different altogether. I believe this to be for several reasons. I give them in no particular order, though all are offered for careful consideration. First, the response to a judgmental attitude is far more abrasive within a marriage. People respond to perceived spousal judgment with much less tolerance than any other. This is a result of their Oneness. No one easily accepts criticism from an equal, and the reaction is very likely to be a Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in mine!”

Second, Judgement within the marital relationship is often misplaced. What I mean by this is that misinterpretation of the words, actions, and more importantly, motives occurs with arguably higher frequency between spouses than in any other relationship. Again, the reason for this is that spouses often misunderstand unity, as well as the fact that the marital relationship is of higher consequence than any other one.

Finally, I believe that we are to respond differently in the marital relationship because we are in fact “one flesh” If we respond to our spouse with judgement…we bring judgment upon ourselves. It is nearly, if not impossible altogether, to judge the actions of one’s spouse from a position of selflessness. The fact is that if we are judging our spouse it is likely because we don’t like the way they have responded toward us…and that is a selfish motive. When we are being judgmental from a position of selfishness, it cannot be offered in a way that is godly, and will therefore be incorrectly applied regardless of the validity of the complaint.

Scripture prescribes responding to marital difficulty differently than any other relationship as I mentioned a moment ago. 1 Peter 3:1-7 says, Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

Obviously, the Apostle Peter wrote this instruction to husbands and wives to help them know how to interact with one another in a way found pleasing to God. As he wrote, Peter understood that the wives who read his instructions to them would have known all too well the story of Sarah and Abraham. He understood they would have known that Sarah spoke with respect to a husband who had not always acted respectably in regards to his treatment of her. Peter made the point that Sarah’s response toward Abraham was the correct one even in light of His mistreatment of her. To the husbands, Peter instructs that when a man’s wife interacts with him, he is to respond with understanding; he is to treat her with honor and care for her as the weaker or more fragile, but also as the more valuable vessel. I believe his intimation here is that the wife is a vessel to be regarded more carefully and of higher value just as one would be more careful with a crystal vase as opposed to one made of iron. In the marital relationship we are to respond to one another with the highest regard at all times and it is my belief that this scripture indicates that within that special relationship we are to let our lack of judgment and the work of the Holy Spirit do all of the convicting.

Questions to answer:

• Is it easy or difficult for you to remain non-judgemental within the bounds of your marriage?
• If you recognize that you have responded to your spouse judgmentally in the past what were the results of that?
• If you feel that your spouse responds to you judgmentally sometimes, how does that make you feel?

Actions to take:

• Discuss what your marriage would look like if you knew that judgmental attitudes were rarely or never present.
• If necessary seek your spouse’s forgiveness for your past judgmental attitudes toward them.
• Ask God to help you respond to your spouse the way that He wants you to…especially when it is difficult to do so.

So now, learning to respond and react toward your spouse only in the ways that God’s word instructs, trusting that His precepts are perfect for your marriage…go be awesome!

Hi this is Pastor Ken and thanks for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message.

This past weekend I had the privilege of officiating a wedding ceremony for a sweet young couple. As I spoke to them during the ceremony I reminded them of several things I had shared with them during their pre-marital counseling. I reiterated to them and their guests that though I was being given the honor of pronouncing the newlyweds to be husband and wife, it was not I who was marrying them. I directed them to the truth that is was in fact God who would be taking the two of them and making them one. Jesus said in Mathew 19:4-6 “Have you not read that in the beginning He who created them, made them male and female, and said ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.’” Then Jesus added this statement, “And so they are no longer two, but one flesh, therefore what God has joined together let not man separate.” Jesus was clear, when a man and a woman are married, though one authorized to do so speaks the words, and though a governmental entity endorses the process, it is God and God alone who is able to marry a couple together and make the two become one. Having made that point, Jesus was correct to say that what is joined together by God should not be considered something to ever be undone by any human being.

After laying that groundwork I mentioned to the couple that since it was God who was in fact marrying them, I felt that there were some things He would want them to remember as they began their lives as husband and wife.

First, I told them that I believe God would ask them to remember that it was by His own design and hand that they were made so differently one from another. That it was with great purpose and intent that He designed the two of them to think differently than each other, to need differently than one another and to react differently than the other. I mentioned that God would tell them to always keep in mind He did this for their blessing…not to distract or disappoint them. He would ask them to embrace all of the differences understanding that those differences were designed to enhance their relationship…not detract from it. Finally I reminded them that God would challenge them to see the differences as things of beauty to be cherished and not as flaws requiring change.

Genesis 1:26 and 27 speak of the fact that when God decided to create mankind with the intent that we would reflect Him He created both a man and a woman. Two similar vessels yet containing vastly different qualities and characteristics all designed to be reflective of their Creator, especially when joined together in marriage. While He created us differently than one another, each having our own unique strengths and abilities, He intends for us to see those differences as valuable in assisting us to work together for a common purpose. This becomes abundantly clear as we look at the entirety of those two simple verses. Then God said, “Let Us (God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit, differing in function yet always united in purpose)make man ( or mankind) in Our image, according to Our likeness; (to act and function as we act and function in total unison) Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” (this will be their united purpose for which we have made them alike and yet so different from one another, to manage all that they can see, hear, taste, smell and touch) So God created man in His own image; in the image of God he created him; (God’s purpose for creating mankind was clearly to reflect Him) male and female He created them. (God, being so much greater than we are, needed to create both a man and a woman to be capable of containing all of the characteristics necessary to be reflective of Himself)

Second, I reminded the couple that I believe that as God is joining them He would want them to be reminded that as a married couple they will now have even greater capacity to look and sound like Him. I told them that this would be made evident as they interact with each other as well as with those around them. I reminded them that God would want them to recognize that the design of marriage was intended to complete the process of creating them in His image, and I encouraged them that as they allowed God to inextricably join them one with the other their potential to be more like him became exponentially increased.

I was able to share this with them because God shares it with us in His own word. Genesis chapter two gives us greater detail about how the two verses I referenced a moment ago in Genesis 1:26 & 27 came to be. In chapter two we read that first God created Adam from the dust of the ground. That He saw and stated that Adam was not completely capable of living up to the intended purpose of reflecting God by himself. There we read that to remedy this God took bone and flesh from Adam and created Eve. As a result, Adam was able to make the declaration in Genesis 2:23 that he and Eve were a married couple. And Adam said, (upon being presented with Eve) “This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man.” (Adam essentially said we are one flesh, a term used by God and later, Christ to refer to marriage. Adam made note of the fact that He and Eve were created married) God seemingly endorsed Adam’s understanding in the very next verse where it is recorded that God said; And for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two of them shall become one flesh.

Third, I was able to remind the couple God knows they are human, made in his likeness but not perfect in all of their ways as He is. Understanding that…the opportunity for them to look more like Him will always be right there in their marriage each day. I encouraged them that God deals with all of us with grace and mercy and so He would always want the two of them to use grace and mercy liberally with each other. Love is always increased through these characteristics…never depleted by them.

Hebrews 4:16 tells us that because of our relationship with Jesus we know that we know that we can come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. As intended reflectors of God it should be no surprise that He would want us to respond to one another in the same way that He responds to us.

I closed my charge to that young couple with these thoughts.  I told them that as God married them and made them one that I could be confident that He would say to them what He had already said in His word. As they are married, they are no longer two, but one. I told them that He would encourage them to think no longer as individuals, but as part of something bigger and greater than themselves. He would remind them that He intends to be an important part of their marriage, and that if they would rely on Him for the inner strength, nothing will ever be able to separate the two of them as long as they both would live.

I was able to tell them that with joy and boldness because Jesus is actually the one who said it first. As I noted when I began today, in Mathew 19:6 it is recorded for us that when questioned about what happens when two people marry, Jesus replied, “…They are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together let not man separate”.

What a joy it is for me when I am given the privilege to minister to a couple in that special way! I am thankful that I am afforded that particular opportunity with regularity in my ministry as the counseling pastor here at our Crossroad Community Church. I pray for that young couple as I have for each of the many couples I have been blessed to work with and officiate weddings for, that they might have all of the blessings reserved for those who use their marriages to be good reflectors of their Creator, the One who made them one.

So now, with a greater understanding of what God wants you to be in your marriage, reflect Him in every possible way…and go be awesome!