Hi this is pastor ken and this is my Monday Marriage Message…Are The Doors Locked?

A few weeks ago in this podcast I talked about the husband’s primary need for respect and the wife’s primary need for love.  This can be illustrated in the following ways – as a result of their primary need for love, women need to feel secure in their relationships.  Nowhere is this truer than inside the marriage. Though men often feel they can provide this security through their wives’ personal safety, this alone will not suffice. There are any number of ways that a man can help build security for his wife in their marriage. Among them are the following:

  • Spending their money wisely
  • Worshipping together
  • Protecting their time with one another
  • Praying together
  • Supporting them in parenting
  • Allowing her to know you only have eyes for her
  • Investing in your personal relationship with the Lord
  • Taking the time to listen when she needs to talk
  • Choosing actions that endorse her position of highest importance in your life

Consider this illustration: A couple lived in a house with 9 doors, each door representative of one of the ways listed above to build security. One night the husband crawled into bed and the wife asked if all the doors were closed and locked. He replied that they were, except the one in the back, but not to worry, no one hardly ever went back there. Would his wife be able to go to sleep? Absolutely not! All of her security would escape through the open door.  Security is an absolute, either you have it or you don’t – you can’t be ‘kind of’ secure.  Though it is propagated in many ways, if some of it escapes, there is a sense that all of it has escaped. It is important to understand as husbands, that you are either building your wife’s security or you are building her insecurity.

Just as the wife needs to feel secure, the husband seeks his need for sufficiency from his wife. He looks to her to define the kind of man he is. While women may think that using words of affirmation from time to time cause her husband to feel sufficient, this is also done best in a multitude of ways.  Consider the following:

  • Let him know you are proud of him
  • Let him be the spiritual leader
  • Ask him for his input
  • Let him know you appreciate him
  • Recognize the work that he does
  • Tell him what a good job he does even if you think someone else might have done it better
  • Let him know he’s the only man in your eyes
  • Back him up as the authority in parenting
  • Put him first in the family

As in the story used to illustrate a wife’s need for security, you can affirm your husband all you want, but if you use your words to also tear him down, all of your affirmation was useless. It is important to understand as wives, that you are either building your husband’s sufficiency or you are building his sense of insufficiency.

Romans 14:19 says, Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.

In this passage Paul writes that though we may not have the same strengths and weaknesses, for the sake of living in peace and encouraging one another, we must see each other’s needs as important and choose actions that meet other’s needs even if they are not our own. Obviously his comments were about some other areas of disagreement in the church, but this scripture applies equally to marriage and the different needs experienced there as well. The parallel should not be overlooked. So why should we choose to feed the need our spouse has that we do not see such great necessity in? As I said just a few weeks ago, when we elevate our spouse we elevate our marriage, when we elevate our marriages, we elevate ourselves.

Questions to Answer:

  1. Wives: What are some things your husband does that build your security?
  2. Husbands: What are some things your wife does that build your sense of sufficiency?

Actions to Take:

  1. In your own words, tell each other how important your sense of security (or sufficiency) is to your satisfaction in the marriage.
  2. Pray that the Lord would show you ways and opportunities to do this for your spouse.

So now, making every effort to meet the needs unique to your spouse, and no longer dismissing them as unimportant just because you may not have the same need…go be awesome!