Crossroad Online
Longing for The Good Old Days
Hi, this is Pastor Ken, I want to welcome you to my Thoughts on a Thursday Podcast where I take some regular occurrence or personal story from my life and connect it to a scriptural truth. So here are my thoughts on this Thursday, July 27th 2023…Longing for The Good Old Days
It is so easy to long for yesterday’s gone by. Sometimes we can wish we had time back so we could remedy some of the mistakes and missteps we have made along the way. It would be nice to be capable of going back in time and avoid the hurts we have caused …or the things that caused us to be hurt. Other times it might be a desire to have back something that time has taken away. I know that I wish I could have some of the strength again that is seemingly reserved for youth. I know that my wife would sometimes love to have our kids back home as children. Though we enjoy watching them be awesome adults, and we wouldn’t trade anything for our grandchildren, occasionally I know she wishes our kids were young again and that she had the opportunity to do the things for them that fulfilled her so as a mom. There are lots of reasons most, if not all of us like to think about what we would do…if we could have just a few yesterday’s back again.
There is another thing that sometimes calls wistfully to us from the past…a simpler time. The very neighborhood my wife and I currently live in regularly calls me back to days gone by. The homes were all built in the 1940’s and even with additions and remodels they still have that vintage Americana look. The streets have not been widened, and a sidewalk still connects each home…like yarn knitting the neighborhood together. The streetlights are the same ones that lit the path for those who took evening strolls along those very sidewalks back in 1945. I have had the thought many times as I stepped out my front door, that if it weren’t for the late model cars in the driveways, one would think they had stepped into a Norman Rockwell painting displayed on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post.
Why is it that we sometimes wish we could live in a simpler time? Why do we call them the Good Old Days? Life was slower for sure. The internet now offers us all the news any time of day and is capable of producing about 15,060,000,000 results in 0.53 seconds, and yes, that is an accurate figure, I just did a search for Today’s news headlines and those were Google’s stats on the results found. Back in the day, we had to wait until 7pm for one the 3 available television networks to tell us what took place during the day or wait for the early morning edition of the newspaper to be delivered to our front step. With those three T.V. networks being the only choices, families waited all week to see what would happen next in their favorite television series. If the episode ended with a cliff hanger (and they almost always did) it would be yet another week before you could rest easy knowing all had turned out well. Binge watching an entire season of a show was not even a thing and would have seemed preposterous. People were courteous (for the most part) at least to the extent that we didn’t watch everyone suspiciously trying to catch them doing something wrong like we do today. Yes, life was simpler back in the good old days and we often long for the Leave It to Beaver world that no longer exists.
Many would say that the advancements in technology have not been a good thing. A bank robber used to have to plan out his caper considering all kinds of contingencies, not the least of which might earn him a ride to the jailhouse or the coroner’s refrigerator if he was not-so-lucky. Today a person’s life savings can be wiped out in mere seconds from around the globe by a hacker with a computer. As a pastor and a counselor, I am all too aware of the electronic hiding places that social media offers to those who are tempted to use it that way. Our cell phones were meant to make connecting with other people easier, instead they serve to isolate us from the world around us as we retreat into the blue glow. Furthermore, the fast paced nature of our lives have caused many of us to look as though we were taught how to operate a car but never learned how to drive. We simply to find it too difficult to calmly share the road with others instead we are incredibly impatient thinking only of what we have to do and where we have to go.
I think all of that is actually a blessing…as crazy as that sounds, let me share why that is my view. If I feel as though I have something physically going on that isn’t right and I go to see the doctor, I don’t want him to walk into the examining room, quickly look at me from the door way and proclaim that I look healthy enough to him. If he were to do that and then dash from the room in haste to see the next patient, I would complain that he had not examined me thoroughly enough to know if there was anything to be concerned about. I might have to endure bloodwork or some uncomfortable tests, but if there is something seriously wrong going on in my body I want to know, so we can do something about it. In that situation I would not interested in being comfortable…I would be interested in being well. After all it might be a matter of life and death. At the time I was diagnosed with cancer a few years back, I didn’t even know I was sick. It was only with the results of a routine thorough physical that the indicators of the disease were discovered. Examination is often a good thing.
When life is too comfortable, we may not even notice that something has gone seriously awry. If the life we live too closely resembles a Leave It to Beaver world, we might not see the symptoms of sin-sickness that God is desperately trying to make us aware of. There were highly selfish people back in the good old days too, but the culture didn’t always permit them to show it as readily as it does today. When someone was “cut off” while driving in the 1950’s it wasn’t considered acceptable to honk the horn incessantly while cursing the offender and throwing obscene hand gestures in their direction. Today, that is not only accepted…it’s expected. It has become the anomaly to make a misstep while driving and NOT get cursed for doing it. And that is just one example, (though I chose it because of its prevalence). As a people and a society we illustrate just how selfish we are in a myriad of ways on any given day. I think that the “advancements and progression” that encourage our selfishness to rise to the top, are actually good for us. The more they make our sin-sick hearts evident, the easier it is for us to see something is seriously, seriously wrong.
In James 3:7-17 we are cautioned against allowing selfishness and pride to be the motivations behind our words and actions. In The Remedy, a paraphrase I enjoy reading, the author, Dr. Tim Jennings puts this way. Humans have tamed all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea, 8but no one can make their words harmless. The mouth speaks venomous words, expressing the chaos and evil within the heart. 9One moment we praise God our Father, and the very next moment we curse the very men and women created in his image. 10Think about it: Out of the same mouth come both praises and curses. My brothers and sisters, this is wrong, and it must stop. 11Does a spring bring forth fresh water one moment and sewage the next? 12 Can a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a sewer produce fresh water. 13Who of you is wise enough to understand God’s methods and principles? Then show it by living in harmony with God’s design for life–a life of love in action, giving in humility to bless and uplift others.14But to cherish self-centered, arrogant, mean-spirited, jealous motives in the heart misrepresents God and defames the truth.15Such principles do not originate in God, nor do they come from heaven, but are profane and destructive, and originate in Satan.16For selfishness, envy, and all violations of God’s law of love break his design for life and cause chaos, disease, suffering, and everything evil. 17Real wisdom originates in heaven and is always pure, healing, restorative, kind, compassionate, selfless, merciful, peaceful, transformational, unbiased, and sincere.
James said that as Christ followers we have to make sure that our words and actions look like those of the one we are supposed to be imitating. He points out that the things we say and do will illustrate if our selfishness and other violations of God’s law of love are truly being worked out of our lives or not. Our actions will help us to know if we are well or if there is still a lot of transformation that must take place. It is important that we examine ourselves regularly to see if we are acting in accordance with the faith in Jesus that we profess to have. James went on to write that if our faith doesn’t produce action that looks like Jesus then that kind of faith is essentially useless.
Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 13:5 Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you? Essentially Paul was agreeing with James, If Jesus Christ lives in us, what comes out of us should look like Him. Jesus is the ultimate expression of selflessness, and we are asked to reflect that kind of selflessness to the those we come in contact with every day.
So now, Allowing the selflessness of Christ dwelling in you to be openly illustrated by the way you speak to, and act toward the world around you…Go be Awesome!
7 Biblical Principles of a Highly Successful Marriage – Principle #1 – Compatibility
Hi, this is Pastor Ken thanks for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message where we search God’s instructions to experience a highly successful marriage.
This year I have chosen to offer my Monday Marriage Message podcast in a series format. We have thus far completed a series on Ephesians 5:21-33, and have just completed a series on Marriage and divorce. Though each of these have been expository teaching systematically working through various passages of scripture, my next series is going to follow more of an episodic nature. I am entitling the series 7 Biblical Principles for a Highly Successful Marriage, and though each entry will cover an individual principle and its supporting scriptures, each will also contribute to the overall theme. I am looking forward to it this new series, so let’s begin.
I have used several past episodes presenting the truth that God created marriage for the purpose of reflecting Himself, so I won’t take the time now to repeat that teaching. However, I do think it is important to re-register the principle facts that support that theological position.
- God created mankind to reflect His image and likeness. (Genesis 1:26)
- God created humankind, male and female. (Genesis 1:27)
- God identified that man alone is in a state of incomplete ability to reflect the image and likeness of God entirely. (Genesis 2:18)
- Woman was created to perfectly complement the man that together they might be equipped to fulfill their stated purpose of reflecting God. (Genesis 2:21-22)
- The man made note of the fact that he and the woman were created “One flesh” a term endorsed by God to describe those who are married. (Genesis 2:23)
- The union and relationship of man and woman in their ‘One flesh’ condition is reflective of the inseparable unity of the trinity which created them. (Genesis 1:26-27, 2:23-24)
- Following Adam and Eve, God decided to mysteriously and miraculously “Join” men and women in marriage and recreate of them a “One flesh” condition like that experienced in the original union. (Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31-32, Matthew 19:4-6, Mark 10:7-9)
- The primary purpose of marriage noted by the Creator and Author of the institution is to reflect God and that same purpose has been expressly continued in every marriage from Adam and Eve to the present. (Genesis 2:24)
If you desire to have a fuller understanding of this teaching it is available in past episodes of this podcast entitled The Oneness Factor, posted Aug 9, 2021 or Marital Conflict #1 What is the Purpose of Marriage? released Aug 8, 2022. A prerequisite understanding of this foundational concept is important to the series we are now beginning, so if you are not familiar with it I hope you will take the time to listen to one or both of the episodes I just mentioned.
With that I want to begin with the first of our 7 Biblical Principles for a Highly Successful Marriage. Principle #1 – Compatibility – In order to enjoy a highly successful marriage a couple must be compatible.
In our western society we place a high level of importance on compatibility in marriage. Most dating websites and Apps garner a great deal of information about a person’s likes and dislikes, habits, beliefs, and personality traits in an attempt to be able to match the user with another with whom they will be compatible. In my practice as a marriage counselor when I am offering pre-marital counseling I ask each couple why they have decided to marry. Almost everyone gives me some form of answer that indicates they find themselves compatible. Usually it is the female who will tell me how they share the same interests, or they like to do the same things. I often hear that they feel that they are complete when they are together. As I said these thoughts are most often shared with me by the woman who is the relational thinker of the duo, the man, compartmentalized in his thinking, understands it is in his best interest to agree with her in that moment though I know that if forced to answer prior to her, he would likely say something much more succinct about his thoughts on their compatibility. He would be much more likely to utter something along the lines of, “We love each other and want to spend our lives together”.
Though we do place a high degree of importance on compatibility in our culture, our compatibility markers are not the same as the one from Gods word that I want to look at today. Throughout the bible, and even in some cultures today, marriages were and still are arranged by the parents, sometimes without the intended spouses having ever met. Biblically speaking the marriage between Isaac and Rebecca comes to mind. You can read about that in Genesis chapter 24. There was no indicator of their compatibility except that of prayer offered and answered. God had been petitioned to direct Abraham’s servant to the woman who was to become Isaac’s wife. God answered that prayer very specifically in the exact way that was requested leaving no doubt as to whom God’s choice for Isaac was. The scripture actually states that by this sign, a willingness to draw water not only for the him but also for His compliment of camels, Abraham’s servant knew that the woman who made the offer was the one appointed by God. This is not a facet of compatibility that should be ignored. I often suggest to teens and young adults that they should be praying for God’s direction to the spouse He desires them to join into covenant with. If we expect and believe that God cares about us enough to meet our needs and we ask Him as our Jehovah Jireh (God our provider) to do so, why would we think we could not or should not ask Him to lead us to our spouse? If marriage is the joining of a man and a woman for the purpose of reflecting God, logic alone would dictate that God would be incredibly interested in pairing us with the best person to compliment us in the fulfillment of that endeavor.
However, there is another compatibility factor stated in God’s word in no uncertain terms. It is found in the scripture that I want to focus on today, 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? This short verse speaks volumes about the necessity of compatibility for a highly successful marriage.
I have made the following statement many times before. Marriage is a spiritual experience lived out in the physical realm, therefore, it is governed by spiritual principles – not natural ones. Last year in this podcast, I spent several weeks on another series I called Marital Conflict – Worldly Wisdom vs Wordly Wisdom. In that series I pointed out some of the spiritual principles that dictate the marriage experience.
Marriage is indeed a spiritual experience. It was instituted by God, the supreme spiritual authority. According to Genesis 2:24 each marriage subsequent to Adam and Eve’s literal physical “One flesh” merger, is a recreation of that original union. Jesus stated in Mathew 19:4-6 and Mark 10:7-9 that this redevelopment of the original is accomplished by God alone, and is intended to be respected as an act of God not to undone by mere men. Paul went on to write in Ephesians 5:32 that this “one flesh” condition is still mysteriously or miraculously taking place in the present and is the handiwork of God. Marriage is a spiritual experience indeed.
Marriage is a spiritual experience – lived out in the physical realm, therefore, it is governed by spiritual principles – not natural ones. When Adam and Eve were married it was the result of their creation. On the 6th day God created both Adam and Eve. We don’t know how long it was that Adam was on scene without his counterpart, we only know it was not more than 24 hours. I don’t have the time to lay it all out here today but there is considerable evidence that each of the days of creation were in fact 24 hour periods of time. When Eve was taken out of Adam and presented to him, Adam announced that they were “One flesh” (Genesis 2:21-23). Eve was created from Adam’s flesh and bone. Their marriage was the prototype; and yet also unique. They were literally living in a “one flesh” condition. Their marriage was created by God just as yours and mine were, but theirs was not only a spiritual experience it contained a true physical component to it as well. We live out our spiritual experience of marriage in the physical realm. In other words, a husband and wife in the physical realm are two individual human beings, but they are intended to honor the fact that God has joined them and made of them one thing – their “One flesh” condition…their marriage. Jesus said “And so, they are no longer two – but one flesh, what God has joined together let not man take apart”.
Since marriage is a spiritual condition established by God it is a Holy creation. What is holy is pure and righteous. As Christ followers, we have been made righteous by the purifying blood of Jesus Christ. (Romans 3:21) This righteousness imparted to us is supposed to have a purifying effect on our lives. As we become aware of the impurities in our lives we are to repent and turn from them. It is God’s desire that we choose to love Him more than our fleshly passions. Therefore, when we ask Him in marriage to join us inextricably with another, it is crucial that we ask Him to join us with one who is also made righteous by Him, being perfected by Him, through the redemptive work of His Holy Spirit. Why? Let’s look at 2 Corinthians 6:14 again…For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?
Holiness is pure, it becomes perverted if lawlessness is invited to mix with righteousness. Darkness isn’t at all compatible with light. Even a little unrighteousness cannot be tolerable by righteousness. [Allow me to illustrate – warning, a graphic gross illustration is about to happen…if you have a weak stomach you may want to stop listening now.] After a big holiday dinner, the trash can is often full of waste from preparing the meal. Hours later when it is removed from the house, at the bottom of the bag is a collection of “juice” that has been released from the various ingredients used to prepare the previously enjoyed feast. 4 or 5 days later when the trash is collected, that “juice” is rotted and disgusting, just as sin is in comparison to holiness. How many drops of that unholy garbage can “juice” would you allow to be put into a glass of pure water that you were supposed to drink and then proclaim how wonderful and refreshing the water was? I hope none! So it is to be in our marriages. We are to reject the idea of being unequally yoked with unbelievers. Righteousness is not compatible with lawlessness and light is not compatible with darkness.
Does this mean that if you have joined yourself with Christ, that you must now turn your back on your unbelieving spouse? Of course not! The Apostle Paul was clear that if faced with that situation the Christ following spouse is to remain in the union and act in accordance with God’s design for marriage. Paul reminds us that it may be through the righteous action of a believing spouse that the unbelieving one comes to be saved. Only if the non-Christian spouse is unwilling to remain in the marriage because of their spouse’s commitment to Christ, and the unbeliever chooses to leave does Paul say that the Christian spouse is free. (1 Corinthians 7:10-16)
Compatibility is key to marriage, it is of the utmost importance that we be very careful to ask God to join us with other believers only. As far as I am concerned it is the 1st of the 7 Biblical Principles for a Highly Successful Marriage.
So now, looking to the unity you have with Jesus to increase the compatibility you have with your spouse…Go be Awesome!
Interpersonal Relationship Skills 101
Hi, this is Pastor Ken, I want to welcome you to my Thoughts on a Thursday Podcast where I take some regular occurrence or personal story from my life and connect it to a scriptural truth. So here are my thoughts on this Thursday, July 20th, 2023…Interpersonal Relationship Skills 101
I noticed a video in my YouTube feed not long ago where the tagline was “What if you were the last person on earth?” The idea was supposed to address what one would find if they woke up one morning and realized they were the last person living on the planet. That got me thinking, what would it be like if I was tasked with being the last person to turn off the lights and lock the door?
As a happy, well-adjusted, bonified introvert, the first thought that I had was how peaceful it might be to experience complete isolation…for a while. How long would it take for the peace to morph into a longing for personal contact with others? Depends on who you are I guess. I think I might enjoy it for several days, maybe even a week or two. I know some people who would begin to experience anxiousness brought on by the lack of someone to talk to within a matter of minutes…if it took that long. The fact of the matter is that none of us really know how we would react in a situation like that because no one has a true frame of reference to compare it to. Many of us have some life experience that included solitude that we would draw on to decide how we might react in that scenario, but in each and every one of those experiences…eventually, contact with others was restored.
The fact of the matter is that none of us regardless of our personal situations can avoid having to figure out how to navigate interpersonal relationships. Even Tom Hanks had to figure out his relationship with Wilson. How successful we are in that endeavor depends on a number of variables not least, our motivation behind maintaining our various relationships. More often than not, we categorize our relationships by the value they bring to us and invest more of ourselves into the ones of higher importance and less into those that we deem to be more expendable. For example, we might put more effort into our relationship with an employer if we really enjoy and want to keep our job, and less effort into our relationship with a former college roommate we rarely see if ever. Immediate family members may get more of our interpersonal relationship efforts that a second cousin we haven’t seen in a decade. While this may be natural for us and we may not often even give it a second thought, our motivation or lack of, illustrates that in the natural we value some people more than others. Scriptures such as we find in the book of James, warn us against doing this. There we read that if we see one person as having higher value than another, we are in the wrong because we are commanded to love our neighbor as our self…all of our neighbors…equally. James points out that breaking any of God’s laws is as bad as breaking all of them. So what to do? We need to improve our interpersonal relationship skills by changing our motivation for maintaining our relationships.
Sometimes it isn’t a matter of how close we feel someone is to us, there are times when our interpersonal relationship skills are driven by how we feel about that person at the time. In other words, we pour into the personal relationships that encourage and uplift us and we pull back from those that we find hurtful in some way. No surprise there, right? If I get burnt touching the stove…who can blame me for wanting to steer clear of the stove when I’m in the kitchen? The problem with that reasoning is that the bible says we are to love those who hurt us and pray for those who are against us. The book of Romans teaches we should repay evil with good. Jesus Himself taught us that we must be forgiving if we are to experience the forgiveness of our Heavenly Father…and we all want His forgiveness. Right? So what are we to do when those who may be close to us are treating us in hurtful ways? We need to improve our interpersonal relationship skills by changing our motivation for maintaining our relationships.
One of the scriptures I find so helpful when I need to tune up my interpersonal relationship skills is found in Colossians 3:12-24. I find that to be helpful to remedy either my errant tendency to value people differently or my propensity to pull away from those who are not treating me as I think I should be treated. Verses 12-15 help me remember what God desires to see in me as I interact with those around me. Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Verses 16&17 illustrate for me what it will look like if I allow Him to flow through me in my personal relationships with others. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom He gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.
Verses 18-25 give me the most help though. These assist me in having the right motivation as I interact with other people every day. They help me to correctly view everyone I come into contact with as having equal value as well as resist the tendency to interact positively only when I feel I have been treated well. In order to remind myself that there is one interpersonal relationship skill that its paramount to all others I like to recall these verses in a particular way. The first five of the verses in this section identify individual people in differing roles. The sixth verse tells us how to deal with each of them in a way that will always, always, be successful on our part. That is why I call it the most important interpersonal relationship skill of all. To make sure we keep in mind its importance to each of the relationships mentioned I like to add the sixth verse (vs. 23) after each of the five preceding it (vs. 18-22).
Vs 18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord. (Now vs.23) Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.
Vs 19 Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly. (Now vs.23) Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.
Vs 20 Children, always obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord. (Now vs.23) Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.
Vs 21 Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged. (Now vs.23) Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.
Finally, vs 22 Slaves [or employees], obey your earthly masters [or employers] in everything you do. Try to please them all the time, not just when they are watching you. Serve them sincerely because of your reverent fear of the Lord. (one more time vs.23) Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.
When we relate with everyone as though we were doing so at Christ’s request, we will do so differently than we often do now. If we look at each new opportunity to interact with someone as a chance to do it for Jesus because He is asking us to, we will likely treat that person with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, just as the verses we looked at a moment ago suggested we should. We will be much more likely to make allowances for each other’s faults and be forgiving of one another. Working willingly at whatever we do, as though we were working for the Lord rather than for people, is the ultimate interpersonal relationship skill, because it leaves no room for miscalculating the value a person should have in our lives. If they are important to Christ (and they are), then they need to be important to us as well.
With that, we will conclude with verse 24. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ. We don’t simply interact with others as if we were doing it for the Lord. Verse 24 points out we are doing it for the Lord. He is our Master, we are His servants. If we get that relationship right, odds are we will get the rest of them more right than we ever have in before.
So now, interacting with those around you in the same way you would if Jesus asked you to personally, because Jesus is asking you to personally, hone up on your best interpersonal relationship skill and…Go be Awesome!
Marriage & Divorce Vol. 10
Hi, this is Pastor Ken thanks for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message where we search God’s instructions to experience a highly successful marriage.
This will be the final installment in our study of marriage and divorce based on the conversation Jesus had with the Pharisees recorded for us in the 19th chapter of Matthew and the 10th chapter or Mark. I hope this in-depth look at this topic has been both interesting and informative. Most of all I hope it has spurred you on to recommitting to your own covenantal marital relationship. Additionally, if you have been through divorce yourself as I have, I pray you have not found this study to be judgmental or condemning in nature. It is my hope that you have heard what I think Jesus intended even the Pharisees to hear…that there is forgiveness and grace for our failures, but that future blessing relies on our willingness to repent and choose to follow God’s best for us going forward.
Last time we looked to the conclusion of that recorded conversation. Both Mark and Matthew record that after finishing His discussion with the Pharisees, Jesus then spoke privately with His disciples answering some questions they had on their minds after listening to the exchange.
Mark simply tells us that, In the house, the disciples also asked Him about the same matter. So He said to them, “Whoever divorces His wife and marries another commits adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” Mark 10:10-12 I believe Jesus was saying several important things here. First we know from what we read a few weeks ago in Malachi 2:15-16 that God is seriously opposed to divorce. In fact, in that study we saw that the original Hebrew text intimated that in the context of that passage divorce actually means to be ‘opposite God’. We certainly know that Jesus would not have spoken contradictory to scripture. In His answer to His disciples, Jesus seems to address two separate issues, both divorce and re-marriage. First, He speaks concerning if a man or woman divorce…but mentions no consequence as a result of the divorce. I certainly don’t think this indicates Jesus approves of divorce, nor that there are no consequences if someone chooses to divorce. As I just mentioned God’s word found in Malachi already indicates that one of the consequence is being outside the will of God. That will certainly require repentance and will likely be the catalyst for various other natural consequences often including but not limited to broken homes, familial dysfunction, financial difficulty, etc. The next part of Jesus statement to the disciples addresses the second consideration “and marries another”. This does include a stated consequence. Jesus said that if someone divorces and remarries another, they commit adultery against their former spouse. Why did Jesus include this difficult statement? I believe He did so for several reasons. First I think Jesus meant for us to wrestle heavily with the importance God places on marriage. God endorses marriage…not divorce. I believe whole-heartedly that God recognizes divorce as ending a marriage, but that does not alter the fact that He intends only death to conclude the marital relationship, hence, His graphic description of a violent murder scene in Malachi when talking about the matter. I also believe that Jesus response to the Samaritan woman He encountered at Jacob’s well indicates God’s recognition of divorce concluding marriage. In John 4:16-18 it is recorded that Jesus said to her, “Go call your husband and come here.” The woman answered and said, “I have no husband.” Jesus said to her, “You have well said I have no husband, for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband, in that, you spoke truly.” Jesus was clear that the woman had been married five times and was in fact living in a sixth relationship that had not been consecrated by marriage. The intimation is that this poor woman had been a part of several divorces and remarriages. Jesus called each of those marriages valid. The only one not validated was the current one because according to Christ, no marriage between those two had taken place. God clearly validates divorce, but just as clearly does not endorse it. So, what was Jesus point? I think that the point Jesus was making here is that divorce is errantly seen by mankind as a solution for a ‘problematic marriage’. I think that Jesus is simply trying to point out that instead of solving problems, divorce simply creates an additional set of problems that will also have to be dealt with, and does not solve any that formerly existed. If there are problems in our marriages, the solution is to deal with the problems, not compound them.
I in no way desire to minimize what Christ was expressed so succinctly. Divorce goes against God’s best for us and potentially creates all kinds of unintended consequences. Context is incredibly important here. Let’s not forget that Jesus was speaking with His disciples at this point in a private setting. These were the men that He would rely upon to continue spreading the good news of the gospel as well as to teach the soon to be born church how to walk in righteousness. Jesus is not about what we can get away with and still be considered ok spiritually. Jesus is all about righteousness and the perfecting process of His bride.
The book of Matthew records more information about this private exchange with the disciples. In his account Matthew wrote that Jesus told the Pharisees that if someone divorced for any reason other than sexual unfaithfulness and remarried they would be guilty of committing adultery. Remember this was said to Pharisees who thought they were within the bounds of the law to divorce for any reason at all. Jesus stern response to these men apparently got His disciples thinking that such a strict view of the sanctity of marriage was not only unusual but perhaps too difficult to follow through with. We read their response in Matthew 19:10-12. His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only to those whom it has been given; For there are Eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.
Jesus’ disciples were doing what many of us often do when we don’t like direction we have been given. Most of us will counter unwanted guidance with an extreme. We do this because we find what we have just been told to be an extreme, so we respond with one of our own. It is an act of immaturity and is often easy to recognize in our children even if we don’t want to see it in ourselves. A teenager who has just been told they can’t go out with their friends for one reason or another may counter with a statement like “I guess I’ll just have to stay home forever then!” This is essentially what the disciples were doing. Jesus had simply stated a truth concerning the high value God places on His miraculous act of taking a man and a woman and making them one for the purpose of reflecting Himself. The truth Jesus expressed: Unless pornea has impacted marriage there are no grounds for divorce. Essentially Jesus was saying even if a marriage is terrible, if both spouses remain faithful sexually, they should stay put in their “One Flesh” condition and submit to God and look to Him to be the healer of their broken marriage. The disciples responded by saying, “If you have to stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy, maybe it is better to just not get married in the first place!”
Jesus simply illustrated to them that their thinking on the matter was flawed by taking it a step further. He told them that most people would not be cut out for a life of celibacy. There are those who are born unable to experience sexual union, and there are those who have been made that way by others. This latter statement was likely in reference to the practice of slaves sometimes being castrated by their masters to remove their sexual drive and keep them focused on their work. Finally, Jesus said that there are those who willingly give up their own physical desires to further the Kingdom of God. Paul spoke of this as well in 1 Corinthians chapter seven. Jesus response to the extreme statement made by the disciples pointed out that a life of voluntary celibacy was unrealistic without a specific calling on one’s life to do so, and that it was not a viable way of avoiding sin. Choosing not to marry to avoid sin is useless since the opportunity to sin is equally possible for someone who is single. The disciples had essentially said that if divorce without the pornea exception and subsequent remarriage would constitute adultery then better to not marry. Jesus responded that an unmarried person with normal sexual desire would be at an equal or even greater risk of sexual sin.
As a marriage counselor, I have had many people challenge Jesus statements about marriage and divorce. Those who question the validity of what He said in the conversation He had with the Pharisees want to use the Pharisee’s sin as the basis for why Jesus made such strict statements and therefore remove from themselves any need to submit to the same standard. I might be able to go down that road except that both Mark and Matthew also recorded the private conversation Jesus had with His disciples afterward. In that exchange, Jesus made no reference to the Pharisees at all. He spoke directly to the disciples. This can only mean that Jesus words did not apply only to the Pharisees but to the disciples as well. That means if we claim to be Christians, disciples of Jesus, they apply to us too.
I understand that in our society (and we think we have progressed as a society though I believe there is actually much proof to the contrary) there are many reasons good enough for divorce. We believe (as a society) that abuse, physical, emotional, mental, or otherwise is cause for divorce. Jesus does not agree. We think that if our spouse is harsh and we don’t think the way they parent is healthy it is a good enough reason to divorce. Jesus does not agree. We believe that if a marriage is unhealthy for us, (and we alone are the one who can decide if it is or is not healthy), we should be free to divorce. Jesus does not agree. We go so far as to say that if we have irreconcilable differences (whatever they are) it is probably better to divorce. Jesus does not agree. Does Jesus then want us to endure all of the things I mentioned and possibly even other hurtful things in our marriages? Of course not! However, Jesus understands people because He created them. Jesus also understands marriage because He invented it. Jesus understands sin because He died to pay the price for it, none of which had been committed by Him. Jesus understands, and with all of that understanding, Jesus understands something else that your grandmother understood…two wrongs won’t make it right. Having been the one who made people, instituted marriage and died to pay the price for our sin, Jesus understands better than anyone that divorce will not solve any problem…it only complicates it.
So now, understanding more about why it is so important to remain in the one flesh condition God created of us. Trust Him to guide and direct how to work out the problematic difficulties in your marriage…and go be awesome!