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Differences That Divide – Part Two (Re-Posted from October 4, 2021)
Hi, this is pastor Ken and this is my Monday Marriage Message…Differences That Divide – Part Two This is part two of a three-part series looking at how we think differently as men and women, husbands and wives, and why God created us to do so. If you have not listened to last week’s podcast, Differences That Divide – Part One, I encourage you to do so before you listen to this edition.
Last week we talked about how men think compartmentally. Today we will look at what it means that a woman thinks relationally. Let me start by saying that while I believe that every man since Adam has been created a compartmentalized thinker and every woman created since Eve is a relational thinker, there is a scale. What I mean by that is that although all men are compartmentalized in their thinking, some are more so than others. All women are created relational thinkers but some are more so than others. These scales are not a scale of completeness or correctness. Being more or less so of either is not more right or less right. I am incredibly compartmentalized…that does not make me faster, better, or smarter than my less compartmentalized male counterparts. We are all individuals and as such fall somewhere on the continuum of being more or less compartmentalized or relational in our thinking.
As we look today at the special way women were designed to think, I offer the analogy of a spider web. No, I don’t think of women as arachnids, and I’m not saying women have cobwebs in their heads. What I am saying is that a spider’s web has many characteristics that make it a good analogy. If you have ever seen a spider’s web you have undoubtedly noticed that it is made from many different strands of silk, each of which are all interconnected. If an insect enters and gets caught in the web it sends vibrations out throughout the web because a movement in one area creates vibrations throughout the entire web. No matter where the web is affected by the intruding future meal, the spider knows which direction to travel to get to it, and a plethora of other information based on the impact with the web. The female thought process is much the same. In relational thinking, everything matters to everything else. Nothing happens that does not have an effect on everything else. “It is what it is” is a statement that women understand but it takes a man’s compartmentalized thinking to be comfortable with. Men can understand the sentence “You can’t change one thing without changing everything” but women with their relational thinking are far more comfortable with the accuracy of the statement.
In relational thinking every thought creates a related thought, which creates a related thought, which creates a related thought, which creates…and so on. Some of the strengths of relational thinking include a woman’s ability to multi-task and a thing we call ‘women’s intuition’. That skill, it turns out, isn’t witchcraft, but rather a subconscious, instantaneous weighing out of all of the variables of a given set of options resulting in an indefensible knowledge of which choice has the higher probability of success. I say indefensible because she doesn’t necessarily know why or how she knows…she just knows…call it women’s intuition…it’s a thing.
One of the weaknesses of relational thinking is that when under stress it tends to speak in extremes. This is happening, men, when you hear statements such as “You never…take out the trash” or “You always…treat me unfairly” coming from your wife. She knows cognitively that these statements are inaccurate, but they are a product of her relational thinking and she is somewhat helpless to stop using them. They are the result of all of the times the situation has occurred in the past being brought to memory unsolicited, and connected to the current scenario. When this happens it is best to not try to make her agree with you and admit to being inaccurate. The best course of action, men, is to recognize that this statement identifies underlying stress, and move meet the needs that will reduce her stress.
As men and women we each utilize these different processes of thinking. That is as it is designed to be and is not a problem for you to correct. The problem comes because we do not appreciate the difference, much less celebrate it! All of us believe we are right to think the way we do. It is natural to us. We were created to think in our way, and we trust our way of thinking to help us rightly decipher any circumstances we encounter. The real difficulty arises when we, believing ourselves to be right, discount our spouse’s thoughts as wrong simply because they differ from ours. Differing thoughts do not dictate that one must be wrong and the other right. Each can be and often are right…just different. His thoughts are usually right compartmentally speaking, while hers are also right from a relational point of view. So other than recognizing the value of both ways of thinking (though that alone is usually a huge improvement over the alternative) how should we respond to this difference? Short answer…celebrate it! Celebrating this difference is impossible without an understanding of why we are celebrating. Knowing there is a difference is not enough. Knowing that neither of you has to be wrong, and that in fact, you are likely both right, is not enough. Those are good steps to take in terms of resolving your differences, but we need more for a celebration to break out. Next week we will look at why God created us with these differences in thought processes. I hope to show you that it is not some celestial joke that is being played on us for God’s amusement, though I think He probably is often amused by us and how we interact with one another as husbands and wives. When we have a greater understanding of the overall plan, it is easier to get excited as we see that it is through the difference that the plan comes together.
Psalm 139:13,14 say; For you formed my inward parts; you covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, marvelous are your works, and that my soul knows very well. One of the reasons we trust that we are right to think as we do is because scriptures like this give us assurances that the way were created was not by chance, but with wonderful intentionality. As you read passages such as the one above, consider this; this same scripture that makes you secure that you have been made exactly as God wanted you to be made, gives your incredibly differing spouse the same confidence about themselves…and you are both correct to think so.
Questions to Answer:
1. Do you recognize the relational thinking? (Wife)
2. What are some examples you can each come up with of her relational thinking?
3. Wives – What things do you think are personal strengths and weaknesses of your own relational thinking.
4. Husbands – What things do you see that your wife does that are personal strengths and weaknesses of her specific relational thinking?
Actions to Take:
1. Thank God that He saw fit to give the wife relational thinking. Ask Him to help each of you see it as a gift and not as something requiring change
So now, accepting the fact that you were both created individually, to think differently…Go be awesome!
Thanksgiving for Thousands – Tuesday November 2022
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Thank you Family
How about some pie? (Re-post from 9/17/2020)
How About Some Pie?
My grandfather had a saying that if I heard escape his lips once I undoubtedly heard him say it a hundred times…” I never met a pie I didn’t like”. This simple phrase has held true for me as well…perhaps with the exception of rhubarb…in my humble opinion…that doesn’t make the list of good pie.
If pie is so good, and it is. You only have to ask grandpa and I…and millions of others who agree with us. Have you ever wondered why they call it “Humble Pie”? Is it because it is bitter like the one and only example of rhubarb? Or is it instead because it is supposed to be good like every other pie on the planet. I submit to you it is the latter and not the former. “Humble Pie” is not just good, it is very good and turns out that unlike almost any other pie…it is extremely good for you!
Jesus spoke very highly of the benefits of humility. He said in Matt. 18:4 that whoever humbles themselves like a little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. In Luke 18:14 is recorded that Jesus said “and everyone who exalts himself will be humbled; and he who humbles himself will be exalted”. Jesus reiterated these truths by proclaiming them other ways as well; “The last will be first, and the first last”, “For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it”. He even shared parables with His disciples about the importance of humility such as which seat to take at a wedding feast (the least prominent one available) and which one to avoid (the most prominent available), explaining that the former was the only choice that allowed for blessing while the latter left too much room for shame. It is clear from these and many other of Christ’s teaching as well as the entirety of His life’s example that humility is held in the highest regard in the Kingdom of God.
I know that we often think of “Humble Pie” as something we are forced to eat when we have been unable to deliver on our word, and sometimes that is when it is served to us, but not without warning that it was on the menu. God’s word is clear that saying we will do this or that without the condition of it being the Lord’s will is simply a form of pride, because we have precious little control over what we will be able to do in the future. I wish I could count the number of times my mom quoted to me from Proverbs during my teen years when I was acting without humility; “Ken, Pride cometh before the fall”.
However, when consumed correctly “Humble Pie” is warm and delicious and has many good spiritual health benefits. Proverbs 3:34 says that God gives grace to the humble. Proverbs 29:23 speaks to the fact that a man’s pride will bring him down, but the humble in spirit retain honor. In Philippians chapter 2 Paul writes that if we practice eating “Humble Pie” the way we should, such as not thinking too highly of who we are, and by esteeming others higher than ourselves, we will be imitating Jesus in a most desirable way and it will be evidence that we have the mindset of Christ. James lets us in on a few more of the spiritual health benefits of a nice sized slice of “Humble Pie”. He also writes that God gives grace to the humble, and adds that if you humble yourself in the sight of the Lord, that He will in fact lift you up. Peter echoed those sentiments when He again wrote that God gives grace to the humble and that if we humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God, He will exalt us at the perfect time. Proverbs says that “The fear of the Lord is the instruction of wisdom, and before honor is humility.
Humility is the currency in the economy of the kingdom of God. If we want to be rich in the kingdom, then we must allow humility to seep into every area of our lives. Jesus made it clear that we should be storing up treasure in heaven. There is little doubt that this is what He was talking about. How we learn to live here in this life, in this world, will determine our wealth in the next. Make no mistake, I’m not talking about “earning our salvation” …we can’t do that. I’m not suggesting that if we perform enough “good works” we somehow curry the favor of God. What I am saying is that if we live a life of humility…real humility, the kind that permeates every part of our lives, we will look an awful lot like Jesus who undoubtedly has the highest standing as Lord of lords and King of kings. Looking like Him, acting like Him and being connected to Him does matter now and will matter then.
James the brother of Jesus asked this all important question, and I ask it of you again today. Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.
I said it before, let me say it again “I never met a pie I didn’t like”. Apple is awesome, sour cherry is scrumptious, pumpkin is pleasingly spicy, …rhubarb is even good if you add strawberries…but humble pie…humble pie is divine!
So now, eating all the humble pie you can consume…go be awesome!
Differences That Divide – Part One (reposted from 9/27/2021)
Hi, this is pastor Ken and this is my Monday marriage message…Differences That Divide – Part One
For the next several weeks the focus of this podcast is going to be a singular topic but because of its complexity and depth we will break it into three separate editions. So please stick with me until the end so that you can take in all that I have to share with you on the subject.
You may recall that in a previous podcast entitled It Takes Two I spoke of the physical differences between men and women and the fact that we really don’t have too much trouble celebrating those differences. I told you that I would be illuminating some other differences that are a little harder to celebrate and seem to cause couples a bit more trouble. Today we begin looking at the uncelebrated differences.
Spoiler alert: you and your spouse don’t see eye to eye on everything, but then you didn’t need me to tell you that. Why don’t you see everything the same way? There are so many elements to the answer of that question I would not be able to do so conclusively. Suffice it to say (and it is crucial to understand) the reasons you see things differently are as numerous as the stars, which on further review may be a slight overstatement.
Following is a list of a few of the contributing factors. I offer it only to help you both see the number of variables that go into each of your interpretations of anything that stimulates a reaction:
- Family of origin
- Past experiences
- Consideration of intent
- Present emotional state
- Stress levels
- Interpretation of body language
- Expectations
- Body and brain chemistry
- Language use
- He thinks compartmentally, she thinks relationally
You and your spouse are not supposed to see things eye to eye, be on the same page, have a meeting of the minds, or anything else pop-culture likes to call it. The first 9 examples from the list above are only a partial list, but give sufficient reason for a husband and wife, no matter how close they may be, to have difficulty viewing something exactly the same. The tenth reason listed is especially profound. It makes note of the fact that the two of you are not even wired to have the same process of thinking. You are in fact pre-programmed to think completely differently…about everything!
What is compartmental thinking? What is relational thinking? There have been many books written on the subject such as Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus authored by John Gray, Ph.D. and Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel, just to name two. There are others as well, and they all speak to the fact that these two different, and in many ways, opposite, lines of thought exist and one is found in men while the other is exhibited by women.
I believe, as these books do, that men are compartmentalized in their thinking and women are relational in their thinking. These are two distinct thought process patterns that will arrive at two entirely different conclusions given the same set of stimuli. As I hope is obvious by now, we as Christ followers, believe God to be the immutable, omnipotent, omniscient, infallible Creator. As such, He didn’t make any mistakes; we were created to think differently than our spouses on purpose, therefore, it is not something that needs to be corrected. He was considering everything, and with supreme power He created all that was created with no need to change it…ever! He did it perfectly the first time! With that belief, I consider it to be divine determination made with intentionality that men and women would be created to have these differing processes of thought.
I have some analogies I like to use when explaining the ways the two thought processes operate. I liken compartmentalized thinking to a row of lockers in a school hallway. Every subject matter has its own locker. If a man is to think freely about any subject, he has to place his head in the appropriate locker. If he is required to think about another topic, he must remove himself from that locker and go find the necessary locker and place his head in it. As he does this, he is equally able to focus on the new subject. However, he can no longer think about the subject he was, just moments ago, engrossed in.
This process of thought has some strengths and it has some weaknesses. In the strength department are things like the ability for intense focus on a task. Compartmentalized thinking lends itself to that beautifully because it is not capable of thinking of peripheral things that would distract from the original goal at hand. A weakness of compartmentalization is difficulty in thinking all the way through an unknown process before it is begun. This can lead to some problems but has, at the same time, honed his ability to utilize trial and error processes without undue frustration. A failure to be able to continue is often seen not as a failure but as a new understanding leading to a successful solution. C.S. Lewis said “Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. One fails forward toward success.”
The format of this podcast, specifically my desire to keep each edition less than 10 minutes places real limitations on how I must approach big ideas. Recognizing this to be one of those concepts too complex to reduce to a single podcast I will resume next week with a discussion of relational thinking and how it operates. I will then utilize a third entry to illustrate some of God’s purposes behind the created differences in how we think. As I stated before, God did this perfectly, it does not need to be corrected, as couples we simply need to learn to walk in it successfully. Psalm 19:7-10 read; The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul; The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; The judgements of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, yea than much fine gold; Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.
God’s decisions about how we should be created are not only right, they are to be sought after and desired as gold is desirable to the eyes and honey to the tongue. This difference between men and women, in fact, all of the differences between men and women, are by His perfect design. We do not need to understand why He does what He does, we need only understand that if it comes from a good God, it is good and we should be completely and totally accepting of it to the point of desiring for ourselves.
Questions to Answer:
- Do you recognize this compartmentalized thinking? (in the Husband)
- What are some examples you can each come up with of his compartmental thinking?
- Husbands – What things do you think are personal strengths and perhaps weaknesses of your own compartmentalized thinking.
- Wives – What things do you see that your husband does that are personal strengths and weaknesses of his specific compartmentalized thinking? (Be kind ladies, next week we will identify the strengths and weaknesses of your relational thinking!)
Actions to Take:
- Thank God that He saw fit to give the husband compartmentalized his thinking. Ask Him to help each of you see it as a gift and not as something requiring change.
So now, accepting that you were designed to think differently than one another, and recognizing this must be a good thing if it came from God…and it did…Go be awesome!
Because I Said So… – October 13th, 2022
Hi, this is Pastor Ken and these are my thoughts on a Thursday…“Because I said so”.
When I was a kid, the words “Because I said so” were among my least favorite to hear. Probably because they were usually used to explain why I had to do something I didn’t want to do. “But why do I have to clean my room?” “Because I said so”. “Why do I have to go with you, can’t I just stay home?” “Because I said so”. “Awe, C’mon mom, why do I have to go to bed right now?” “Because I said so”. Mom and dad used that phrase a lot. It was kind of a catch all. I thought before I had children of my own that they used it because they didn’t really have a good reason for whatever it was they were saying I had to do at the time. Now I understand it was really offered for the same reason I came to utilize it, to stifle any further argument. It works in that regard because there really isn’t a sensible rebuttal that can stand up to “Because I said so”. My parents weren’t being lazy as I had once thought…they were simply tired of being asked why, when, where or how we had to do something they had asked us to do. In hindsight, nearly everything they used that phrase to justify were things that were for our own good. Did you know “Because I said so” reasoning is actually biblical?
Jesus Himself once told the disciples “Because I said so” when they asked Him why they had to do something that seemed over-the-top to them. In Luke chapter 17 it is recorded for us that Jesus was teaching His disciples about forgiveness. He told them that if someone were to do something that offended them they simply had to forgive that person. He went on to express the part they thought was over-the-top. He told them that even if the person were to repeatedly offend them each day causing them the same harm over and over again they must forgive that person. The disciple’s response to this teaching was that they wanted to believe that Jesus was right, but His commandment to them was so outlandish, they were going to need help gaining more ability to believe than they already possessed. In a very real sense they were politely asking Jesus why on earth He would ask them to do such a thing.
Jesus response is found in Luke 17:7-10. In the New Living Translation it reads as follows. 7 “When a servant comes in from plowing or taking care of sheep, does his master say, ‘Come in and eat with me’? 8 No, he says, ‘Prepare my meal, put on your apron, and serve me while I eat. Then you can eat later.’ 9 And does the master thank the servant for doing what he was told to do? Of course not. 10 In the same way, when you obey me you should say, ‘We are unworthy servants who have simply done our duty.’”
Jesus couldn’t have been more direct if He had simply said to them, “Because I said so”. In fact that is exactly what He was doing. He was pointing out the nature of their relationship to Him. Yes, they were considered His friends, it was He who referred to them that way, but He was also the teacher, the Rabbi, the Master, and they were the students, the servants. It is no different for us. His word does say we are loved by Him, that we are counted as His brothers and sisters. The bible refers to us as children and friends of God. However, we should have a healthy understanding that we are also His servants, His people, the sheep of His pastures. We can never forget that it is He who has made us and not we ourselves. (Psalm 100) If we are going to have a correct relationship with God we have to first have a corrected understanding of the relationship.
I have said it before, and undoubtedly I will say it again…many more times, He is God, I am not. I am not supposed to make my own plans for my life and pray that He will get in line with my plans. I simply must let Him lay out His plan for my life and get my thinking in line with His plan.
All of this has the potential to sound very parental and authoritative, and to some degree I suppose it is. Jesus was clear with the disciples, sometimes even God says “Because I said so”. At first glance when He says “Because I said so”, it might seem as if there are no choices to be made if we are to be obedient, but a closer look at scripture shows otherwise. The motive for obedience has everything to do with our response to bending our will to His.
We can do what God has told us to do for two different reasons. We can defer to God out of many good reasons. He is more mighty than we are. He is wiser than we are. He knows the future and we don’t. He controls enough things we don’t have any control over to “cause” us to do what He wants. He holds our very life in His hands. I could go on and on with all of the rational for deferring to God. The problem is that we defer to someone because we are afraid of what will happen if we don’t. I used to defer to my earthly father because He was bigger than I was and He wore a belt I had seen Him take off too many times as it was. I deferred to Him because I was afraid of what might happen if I didn’t.
God wants us to choose to do what He asks us to because we prefer Him. As I said a moment ago, we defer because we are afraid of what will happen if we do not. However, we prefer because we want to experience the Joy of the other as we do what they desired us to. Romans 12:10 tells us that we prefer one another as a sign of our love. When we prefer God, it is a sign that we love Him. Jesus said “If you love me you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15) In the scripture reference we began with from Luke chapter 17, Jesus wanted to help the disciples…and us to know that forgiveness frees the heart of the offended. It isn’t simply for our good, forgiveness is for our freedom. God himself said of His forgiveness toward us “I—yes, I alone—will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.” Isiah 43:25 (NLT) God understands that forgiveness frees our heavy hearts and the burden we will carry if we allow unforgiveness to become bitterness.
Sometimes as parents we need an answer to our children’s challenges that has no good rebuttal because we know whatever it is we have instructed them to do is for their own good and their blessing. Sometimes God needs the same strategy when it comes to us. There are occasions just as Christ did with His disciples, that He has to tell us…”Because I said so”.
So now, learning to prefer Christ and obey Him as an act of love…Go Be Awesome!