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Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage Vol. 7
Hi, this is Pastor Ken, thanks for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message where together we search God’s instructions to experience highly successful marriages. Today we will continue with our look at the Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage. This will be our seventh edition in this series looking at the differing roles of the Husband and the wife in the greatest of all human relationships.
Each of the episodes in this series have been based on 1 Corinthians 11:3. There the Apostle Paul wrote the following. But I want you to know and realize that Christ is the head of every man, the head of a woman is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. I used the first few installments in the series to consider the role of a husband, and the fact that according to our focal scripture he is directly responsible to Christ for his interactions with his wife. Last time we began focusing specifically on the important position of the wife within the Structure and Order of a God Shaped Marriage. In that episode we delved into the much misunderstood topic of submission.
Knowing that the concept of submission inside marriage is a bit of a touchy subject I considered carefully how I would approach it. As a pastoral counselor, I understand that teaching some of the precepts in God’s word can at times be problematic. This is not because there is some problem with what God’s word has to say, God’s word is infallible. It can be difficult based on our level of willingness to accept what it says as right and true. Sometimes that gives us trouble. Unfortunately, as human beings, when we don’t like, or personally agree with something we tend to close our minds to it by simply ignoring the subject all together. So, when there is a topic like submission that must be practiced to enjoy marital success, the challenge is to convey the truth without people metaphorically sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting “I can’t hear you…I can’t hear you!” With this in mind, I had to consider carefully how to best speak on the much misaligned concept of submission.
Psalm 19 tells us that all of God’s precepts are perfect, that all of His ways lead to successful living. It tells us that if we will take scriptural guidance seriously it will bring blessing to our lives. Nowhere is that more true than in the marital relationship. If we want the blessing of an amazing marriage, we must follow the prescription written by the author of marriage. Who would know more about the correct operation of successful marriages than the creator of the institution? Furthermore, as I have documented many times before, the primary purpose of marriage is to reflect who and what God is. Certainly there should be no arguing that God is most capable of giving us proper instruction as to how to best reflect Him.
If we are willing to forsake what we think about it in the natural, submission is actually a very interesting idea. It presumes the essential truth that the person offering their submission is equal in value to the person in leadership or authority. Slavery is accomplished when one who is bigger, stronger or of some greater ability forces the involuntary subservience of another. Slaves have no choice in the matter, they are forced to serve the one in authority. Submission is not slavery. When one submits, they choose to do so. Submission is an act of the will. I must volunteer to place myself under the submission of another, because I am an equal with any human authority I choose to submit to. This is also true of a wife’s submission to her husband, I pointed out last time how God used specific words when referring to Eve that clearly indicated her equal value to Adam. Every wife who chooses to obey God’s perfect precepts for marriage and willingly submits to her husband, who holds no greater value than she does, is also positioning her marriage to receive blessing.
While we are on the subject of submission there are few things I think necessary to note. First and foremost, regardless of whether we are speaking of the husband or the wife, ultimately how we interact with one another is in response to God. The scriptural prescriptions for a successful marriage have been given to us by God Himself. So far in this series I have looked to Ephesians chapter 5 for specific instructions to a husband and a wife as to how they can each align themselves with the Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage as laid out in 1 Corinthians 11:3. There we read that a husband must lay down his life (his goals, needs, and desires) for his wife (putting her goals, needs and desires above his own). Last time, we looked at how a wife is instructed to place herself in submission under the authority of her husband in all things. These are instructions from God’s word. These are not demands made by a spouse. Our adherence or lack thereof is in direct relationship to the level of submission we place ourselves in under God. It is truly essential to our marital success that we fully grasp this understanding.
As a husband, when I love my wife the way that scripture instructs me to, in other words when I meet her needs (physical, emotional and spiritual) simply because the need exists. I am doing so because I am submitting to my God who instructed me through His written word to act in that way. When I lay down my life (make my needs less important to me than my wife’s needs are) I am lowering myself in comparison to her that she might be elevated. Why do I do that? I do that because God’s word says I should, therefore those actions are in submission to God. If I choose instead to be selfish and put myself first, then I am being dismissive of God and His specific instructions to me as a husband. If I submit to God, then my marriage has greater ability to reflect Him, experience success, and be blessed.
When my wife Lynn submits herself to me in all things as she is instructed to do, in actually she is submitting herself to God. Not because I am her god, I am not…I can totally admit that I would make a terrible god. Ultimately, she is submitting to God because it is God who instructed a wife to submit to her husband in all things. Her submission to me then actually says far more about her relationship with God than it does her relationship with me. We are each solely responsible before God for our response to Him. Therefore, our obedience or disobedience to God is a reflection of the condition of our individual relationship with Him…nothing else. Consequently, we cannot use the unwillingness of our spouse to follow the commands given them by God to justify our non-compliance to the commands given to us. I cannot say with any validity whatsoever, that I don’t have to obey God, if my wife isn’t obeying God, and even though the wife is under the authority of the husband, she has no basis to make such a claim either. As Dr. Emmerson Eggeriches likes to say concerning this…“My response is my responsibility” I couldn’t agree with him more.
Having made that point, let me move to the next one. Ephesians 5:21 takes the position I just outlined a step further. It says Submitting to one another in the fear of God. Only when we understand that submission to our spouse is in fact, submission to God, and that our spouse’s choice to submit or not to submit to Him is to have no effect on ours, are we are able to rightly understand submission to one another. Here in this scripture, Paul points out that submission to God means submission to one another. While a wife’s submission to her husband is her responsibility before God, (Ephesians 5:22) there should also be mutual submission taking place at all times (Ephesians 5:21). Romans 12:10 tells us to Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another. In other words, our love for one another should spur us to submit to the needs and desires of each other.
In my humble opinion there is no other place in scripture that illustrates submitting to one another within the marital relationship quite like 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 – Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. The context of these two verses is undoubtedly speaking of sexual intimacy within the marriage. In that context these verses are self-explanatory (though admittedly slightly confounding) . However, when a scriptural principle illustrates truth at a certain level, that truth remains relevant at lesser levels as well.
Like any of God’s instructions we don’t like and want to dispel or ignore so we won’t be obliged to submit to them, we can try to argue that this scripture is an example of circular reasoning and therefore renders itself invalid. We would be in error to do so, and arguing something doesn’t make it so. In fact, I know it flies in the face of conventional wisdom and contemporary thinking, but I would argue that this scripture governs any action involving a married person’s physical body. My wife and I believe this scripture regulates a concept we have dubbed “Marital Veto Power”.
We agreed when we married that we each had veto power concerning the other. This is based on scriptures such as 1 Corinthians 7:4, Romans 12:10 and Ephesians 5:21, all discussed above. We believe we have the right (and dare I say responsibility) to tell the embodiment of the other half of our one flesh that we are not in agreement with a certain activity, and the other must comply. Allow me to illustrate. I love riding motorcycles. Prior to marrying me, my wife had never ridden one, but I had been riding them with my dad since the age of 5. He taught me to drive one myself at 12 years of age and I have been enjoying them ever since. On hot days I love being on the motorcycle and prefer the wind in my face to the air conditioning a car offers. When it is really hot the only thing that feels better than the wind in your face is the wind blowing through your hair too, so on those days, I like riding without a helmet. When we married, my bride told me she didn’t mind at all if I rode motorcycles, she just wanted me to wear a helmet when I rode. There are all kinds of valid studies that show that riders who don’t wear helmets statistically crash less and experience less head trauma when they do have accidents compared to those who wear a helmet. My wife did not find this information compelling at all. After some discussion it was agreed that if I was within town limits and the speed limit is 25MPH or less I am free to go helmetless, however, if the speed limit is above 25 MPH, I must wear my helmet. Because she feels that way, I wear my helmet each time that is the case. I often wear it even if I am downtown. I do not have authority over my own body, my wife does, and because I love her I prefer her and submit to her wishes. Let me say that Marital Veto Power should be used very sparingly otherwise it will simply be viewed as one spouse being a ‘control freak’ or ‘power hungry’ neither of which is a good look.
Submission isn’t a dirty word; it isn’t setting ourselves up to be a doormat. Submission is a voluntary act of the will that requires strength and understanding. It is not something that renders us weak or foolish but rather, strong and wise. Submission to each other is actually submission to God who instructs us to interact with one another in that way. Remember, how we interact with our spouse is in direct correlation to how we respond to God.
So now, responding to God as you should so that you can successfully enjoy a God shaped Marriage…Go be Awesome!
Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage Vol. 6
Hi, this is Pastor Ken, thanks for joining me yet again for the Monday Marriage Message where we search God’s instructions together to learn how to experience a highly successful marriage. Today we will continue with our look at the Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage. This will be our sixth edition in this series and we are beginning to shift our focus to the wife’s important role in the greatest of all human relationships.
Having been led to 1 Corinthians 11:3 as the focal passage for this series, and considering that the series is dedicated to structure and order, I have directly followed the very structure and order of the passage. Meaning, I have chosen to expose the truths contained here phrase-by-phrase just as they were written. In the Amplified Bible that verse reads as follows: But I want you to know and realize that Christ is the head of every man, the head of a woman is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. In the past episodes of this series we have covered the concept of Christ being the head (or the One in direct authority over) every man (or every husband in this context). Last time I introduced the next layer mentioned in this verse covering the structure and order of marriage and the Godhead it is designed to reflect. This portion of the passage identifies that “The head of a woman is her husband”. Though this means that the husband is the one in direct authority over the wife, I was careful to make sure that there was no misunderstanding that Paul was somehow saying that a woman had to go through her relationship with her husband in order to have a relationship with Christ. I shared several other scriptures that clearly dispel that erroneous notion. I also took the time to show that from the very words God used to describe and define Eve as a wife, there can be no doubt that men and women are equally valuable to the marriage. Both are equally necessary to their successful ability as a married couple to fully reflect God. In the past I have highlighted many of the ways that scripture points out the unique ability a woman to reflect God in ways men are not capable of doing nearly as well, if at all. When joined as one they become a marital mirror intended to reflect their maker.
I want to move forward now by restating something from last time. Some of the scriptures we will be looking at have for a very long time been the cause for dissention. I think much of the difficulty with them has come from misunderstanding and misinterpretation. I believe that those difficulties diminish if husbands don’t look at these scriptures as an opportunity to dominate, and wives don’t read them believing that God is saying they are not as valuable as their husband is. Selfishness is what makes husbands want to dominate, and causes wives to want to resist authority. That is why I believe our focal scripture to be so vital to this discussion. It does not simply say that there is a structure and order of authority within a marriage, it continues and illustrates that same structure and authority exists in the Godhead as well. Why is all of that important? Because if wives are to correctly understand their equal value with their husband in the marriage, and gladly adhere to its scripturally defined framework, they need to be able to see that just as Christ is supposed to be their husband’s example of how to love them, Christ is also their example as to how to be a godly helpmate.
Before we begin digesting scriptures that contain that easy-to-misunderstand word submission allow me to reiterate some important facts.
- Submission to authority does not equate to inferiority.
- Scripture clearly illustrates that even within the triune Godhead authority and submission to authority are necessary components of success.
- Jesus Christ, the Son of God voluntarily offered His submission to the will of the father so that Their united purpose could be accomplished.
- Though Jesus’ submission to God the Father was voluntary it was not optional if success was to be the result.
- Jesus’ submission to the order and structure of the Godhead was crucial to the completion of the united will of the Godhead.
- If marriage is to reflect the framework of the Godhead as designed, the prescribed marital structure and order of authority must also be adhered to.
- Finally, a wife’s submission to her husband is voluntary on her part. She is in complete control of her decision to submit or not to submit. However, it is not optional to the success of a God shaped marriage.
With those truths in mind, let’s look at scripture and see what it says about a wife’s incredibly important role in the Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage.
There are several passages that define the valuable place a wife holds within the marriage and how she best fulfills that role. Ephesians 5 is probably the most well-known and I think the most comprehensive so we will begin there. Today I am going to read Ephesians 5:21-24 from the Expanded Version because although it makes for wordy sentences, it offers a broader view of what the original text actually means in our English language. There these verses read as follows: [Husbands and wives] Yield [Submit; Be subject;…yielding/submitting; grammatically linked to the previous sentence, and so part of being filled with the Spirit] to each other out of reverence [respect; fear; awe] for Christ.
Wives, yield to [submit to; be subject to;] your husbands, as you do to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church. And He is the Savior of the body, which is the church. As the church yields [submits; is subject] to Christ, so you wives should yield [submit; be subject] to your husbands in everything.
Several important notations about these verses must be recognized if we are to have a clear understanding of what this scripture is saying. In verse 21 there are several points we need to see. As husbands and wives our personal relationship with God should have a defined consequence in our marital relationship. Submission is to be a natural result of walking with the Lord. Certainly there can be no confusion about the fact that if Christ is Lord and we are but the servants in that relationship then we are to submit to His authority. Here Paul writes that out of a deep reverence or great respect for Christ as Lord, we need to also be ready to submit to one another. Furthermore, because this verse is the completion of the thought preceding it, we should also make the connection that this mutual submission between a husband and wife is a result of being filled with the Holy Spirit. So, according to Ephesians 5:21 if Jesus is Lord of one’s life and that person is indwelled by the Holy Spirit, if they are also married, the natural outpouring of their relationship with God will be submission to their spouse. The following verses lay out specifically what that mutual submission should look like for each spouse. In past episodes we saw how a husband is commanded to illustrate his submission to his wife and today we will look at what that submission looks like for a wife within the Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage.
Verses 22-24 speak directly to what a wife’s role is in that high calling. Wives, yield to [submit to; be subject to;] your husbands, as you do to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church. And He is the Savior of the body, which is the church. 24 As the church yields [submits; is subject] to Christ, so you wives should yield [submit; be subject] to your husbands in everything. According to this scripture (and others we will reference later) a wife’s submission to her husband should look much like her submission to the Lord does. Paul is clear that just as the church submits to Christ (its head, or leader in authority over it) a wife should also submit to her husband. Paul states that the church submits to Christ in all things, and likewise a wife should submit to her husband in all things.
I have often heard the argument offered to this God-given instruction. Many have said to me that of course the church submits to Christ, Christ is God and is perfect. Christ would never lead His bride the church, in a way that is not absolutely the best for her. He would never lead in a way that might turn out badly. The defense these women site for not always (in other words in all things) following this command to them is that their husband is not perfect and is capable in leading in erroneous ways. Because of this they decide that their submission to their husband needs to be at their discretion. If they think that the direction of their husband is correct, then they have no problem with submission to it. If, however, they deem his leadership to be incorrect or not good for them or the family, they believe their submission to him should be optional. The problem with that is found in these very verses. If they are not being submissive to their husband (in all things) as commanded by God’s word then they have just become dismissive of their Lord, which puts them in the position of wrongdoing.
When it comes to offering our submission to the authority of an imperfect person, we need to experience a paradigm shift. Submission to authority isn’t about being right it is about doing right. Two episodes ago in this very podcast we looked at the way a husband submits to his wife. According to Ephesians 5:25-29 a husband is to lay down his own wants, desires and needs and first meet his wife’s wants desires and needs. He is to do this because they are one, and when he puts her first, he is putting himself first so to speak. Ladies, you are not perfect either, if your husband does not agree with your actions and attitudes is he freed from the requirement to love you as Christ loves the church? Is his love for you to be offered at his sole discretion? I think not. If he were to choose when to genuinely love you and when to put his own needs above yours, he would also be dismissive of the command of his Lord upon his life.
As one of several Pastors on staff at our church I have a Senior Pastor in authority over me. He is a good and godly man and I am fortunate to know that I can trust that he seeks God’s leading as he leads us. He is in fact a good and upstanding man…but he is not perfect. There have been times when I have disagreed with him in terms of what he thought should be the next step for us as a church. In those times I have sought him out privately to share with him my thoughts and to ask him to reconsider or give me further explanation if possible for his decision. There have been a few (a very few) times where I was still not convinced that his decisions were the best possible. In those it has been vital that I understand submission. I have to know that while my submission to him as the one in authority over me is voluntary (only I can choose to submit) it is not optional. It is not about being right; it is about doing right. God’s word tells me to submit to those in authority over me. When I submit I am doing what I have been commanded to do, I am doing the right thing. Will the action or activity I am submitting to always turn out to be the right decision, will it always work out best? No, but when it doesn’t, if I have been submissive and done my part to make every effort toward its success, then it will be the leader, not I who will be scrutinized. If I balk and do not submit and the idea fails, I will not be viewed as the one who diverted us from disaster, I will likely be pointed out as the one who was not supportive and therefore possibly the cause of the failure. Submission is not about being right it is about doing right.
Next time we will look more closely still at submission and what it means to success both in a marriage and within the Godhead that marriage is designed to reflect.
So now, understanding that submission in your marriage is a two-way street but that God says it is the one way to success, submit to Him by submitting to one another…and go be awesome!