It Takes 3 to Make 2 Become 1 Marriage Conference

“It Takes 3 to Make 2 Become One” will be an enjoyable event where we’ll discover how to realize all the blessings God intends every marriage to enjoy. This opportunity truly is for all marriages in all seasons. Please reserve Feb 24th and 25th on your calendars and plan now on attending, I know you’ll be glad you did. Seats are going to be limited. You can reserve yours now clicking the Register Online Button. The cost for the conference is $30.00 and is simply to cover the cost of the food and materials. Registration will close February 19th. The conference will be held here at Crossroad Community Church at our Georgetown campus on February 24th and 25th. We will meet on Friday evening from 6:30 to 8:00pm and on Saturday from 9:00am until 3:00pm. Lunch will be provided.

“What God has joined together let no one take apart”

Marriage and Divorce Vol.5

Hi this is Pastor Ken, thanks for taking part in the Monday Marriage Message. This is the fifth episode in our series of study concerning marriage and divorce. For those who may be checking in for the first time we are primarily basing our study on a conversation between Jesus and the Pharisees recorded for us in Matthew 19 and Mark chapter 10.

Last week I took time for a sidebar from that conversation we are looking at so closely. I took the time to explain to you why I think it is so important for us to literally break that scripture down phrase-by-phrase. As we move forward my prayer is that the slow and methodical way we are working our way through this will be a blessing and not a frustration. God’s word is so jam-packed with truths, and His ways and thoughts are so much Higher than ours…as high as the heavens are above the earth…that slow and steady is the only way to not leave too much grain in the field.

The week before last I shared with you the two questions recorded for us in the gospels of Mark and Matthew that Jesus posed in response to the initial questions asked of Him by the Pharisees. There is irrefutable evidence that there were in fact two different factions of the Pharisees who disagreed with each other as to what constituted grounds for divorce. These schools of thought covered far more territory than simply marriage and divorce. They disagreed on matters of ritual practices, ethics and theology. They were known as the House of Shammai and the House of Hillel named for the sages who founded them. Those who followed Shammai’s teaching were the more conservative when it came to divorce and those who subscribed to the teaching of Hillel were the more liberal of the two. I shared with you a few weeks ago that I believe each group came posing a question intended to entrap and discredit Jesus. Mark records the more conservative question and Matthew recorded that the Pharisees asked about a more liberal view of divorce.

I shared with you in that episode that Jesus answered their questions without taking a side as they had hoped He would. Instead He responded to them with a few questions of His own. He asked the first group, “What did Moses command you?” and essentially asked the second group if they had failed to read what Moses had commanded and then quoted the portion of the law (Genesis 2:24) He was referring to in his question to their colleagues. By doing this Jesus was asserting that their question was actually one of Marriage and not divorce. He was pointing out that marriage was the God ordained institution, divorce was man’s created remedy when marriage became too difficult. Essentially Jesus was redirecting the Pharisees into an honest and truthful conversation.

In this edition we will look at the Pharisee’s responses to Jesus’ follow-up questions. When you look carefully at how they answered, it is quite telling and explains the condition of their hearts. Let’s read now what those recorded responses were. I will read each excerpt including the follow-up question Jesus posed and the answer the Pharisees gave. As before we will begin with Marks gospel where I believe Jesus is speaking with the more conservative group. Mark 10:3-4 says, And He answered and said unto them, “What did Moses Command you?” They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her”. Now from Matthew; the question to, and the answer from the more liberal group of Pharisees. Matthew 19:4-7; And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together let not man separate.” They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and put her away”?

The way this conversation is framed is of significance if we want to have a complete understanding of Jesus view (or in other words, God’s view) of marriage and divorce. As I mentioned last week, it is critical to see the different twists and turns the direction of the conversation took. As I said a few moments ago, Jesus responded to the Pharisees’ question with follow-up questions of His own. He did this for two reasons. First, to avoid doing as they wished He might, and take a side that would be then used to discredit Him. Additionally, He did this to redirect the original flawed questions back to a basis of truth. His reasons for answering their questions with questions was to solidify truth rather than to confuse it with falsehoods. They, on the other hand came back at Jesus with retorts designed to drag Him back out into the weeds of their preferred distractions.

There is an old saying that if you say something with confidence you will fool half the people most of the time. This is what the first group of Pharisees attempted to do. Their answer to Jesus question of “What did Moses command you?”, was, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her”. Notice the effort to deceive. It was meant to be a confident retort that contained a discrepancy they hoped Jesus and those listening in would not pick up on. Jesus asked what Moses’ command had been, they told him what Moses permitted. This realization is central to avoiding a common misunderstanding of this scripture. All too often I find that Christians are still being misled by the Pharisee’s intended deception recorded in this passage. Today it is still being read and simply accepted that the answer the Pharisees gave to Jesus question lines up correctly with the portion of the law they were referring to. They were twisting a scripture found in Deuteronomy 24 which we will look at in greater depth in a future episode. I think their answer was worded the way that it was, so they could skew their interpretation of the law to fit their selfish desires. They wanted to be able to divorce when their marriages did not meet their expectations. These conservative Pharisees may not have been as eager to open the grounds for divorce up as wide as their counterparts were, but they did want to be able to infer that divorce was a God given remedy for a problematic marriage.

As I have shared already I think this was one conversation that included three positions, the conservatives, the liberals and Jesus. Jesus having received a confident yet elusive answer from the first group asked the second a more direct question that included the correct answer to His question for those He had just been speaking with. He asked them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no Longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together let not man separate.” This group tried to use Jesus own tactic against Him, and answered His question with another of their own. Knowing the passage of scripture from Deuteronomy 24 that the first group had referred to, and seeing their peer’s attempt at deception, they tried to continue with that same falsehood as if it were a truth. So they asked Jesus, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and put her away”? When we look at their response, the attempt to disguise a lie within an apparent truth is even more blatant than that of their associates. This is not all that surprising when you consider that this response came from those who wanted to be free to end their marriages for any reason they chose. Being further from the truth of God’s design for marriage they were willing to go to even greater lengths to avoid it. They asked Jesus to tell them why Moses had done something he had never done. There was never a command in the law as to how to enact a divorce. The more conservative Pharisees knew this and that is why when Jesus asked what Moses had commanded them, they told Him that Moses had permitted them to do something in terms of divorce. I believe the liberal Pharisees were well aware of that, but because of the condition of their hearts toward their own marriages, they were being overtly being dishonest, even with themselves, about the intent of the law.

If we do not take note of the inconstancies employed by the Pharisees in this passage, we can easily become deluded as well. As I said a few minutes ago, all these years later Christians are still being misled by the intentional inaccuracies the Pharisees were using in their argument with Jesus. What would cause the leadership of the Jewish people of the time to want to stray so far from the intent of the law they claimed to love so much? Why would they be willing to go to such lengths to misrepresent the truths contained in the law?

Their aim it seems was gaining the ability to extract themselves from unpleasant marriages and have the freedom to try, try again. This motive did not escape Christ as we will see farther along when He addresses that unrighteous mindset. We also have other contemporary non-scriptural writings on the Pharisee’s disagreement with each other concerning the subject. Those illuminate the Pharisee’s motives behind their search for caveats to God’s original intent of lifelong marital covenant. Some commentaries go so far as to suggest that the more liberal minded of the Pharisees were using repetitive divorce and remarriage as a legal loophole for a steady change of sexual partners. They were making a mockery of marriage just to satisfy their own sexually lustful desire for multiple women without breaking any laws. Essentially, the Pharisees wanted to be able to placate their sinful desires while imagining they were sidestepping consequence. Jesus was fully aware of their heart set and spoke to it directly as we will discover in a future episode in this series.

Questions to answer:

Have you ever stopped to consider the intent of the Pharisees to circumvent the intent of the law by twisting the letter of the law?
Does it surprise you that they were being stubbornly elusive to satisfy their own desires?
When you consider the divorce rate today, do you think there is validity in our currently accepted “Grounds for divorce”?
How many people do you know who you would say divorced a spouse for the explicit reason of being free in the future to try, try again?

Actions to take:

Talk with your spouse about your personal commitment to remaining married for the rest of your lives.
Discuss why divorce should never be looked at as an escape clause from an unhappy marriage.
Pray that God will preserve your marriage and give each of you the grace necessary to work through your difficulties without walking away from the marriage.
Commit to one another right now that no matter what difficulties or troubles lay ahead that you will walk into them hand-in-hand, and you will walk out of them hand-in-hand as well.

So now, recognizing the sanctity of the marital union God has gifted you with, commit yourselves anew to your “One Flesh” relationship…and go be awesome!

Marriage and Divorce Vol. 4

Hi, this is Pastor Ken and I want to thank you for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message. We have spent the last several weeks exploring the topic of Marriage and divorce from a biblical view. I mentioned as we began, because of the times we live in, and the frequency that we give up on our marriages, any serious podcast on marriage will have to unfortunately at least consider the topic of divorce. Interestingly enough, because we are using a conversation between Jesus and the Pharisees recorded for us in Matthew chapter 19 and Mark chapter 10 as the basis for our study it is apparent that divorce was an issue at that time as well.

I was reviewing what I wanted to talk about in today’s episode when it occurred to me that perhaps it is time for a sidebar. I am a marriage counselor, and a podcaster and a teacher. I recognize (because it has been brought to my attention) that sometimes I seemingly confuse which of my audiences I am speaking to. When I am counseling with a couple that obviously takes place in a private setting where I can speak directly to their questions. There I am able to use the whole counsel of the word of God and the principles contained within to guide my counsel as we delve into specific needs. When I am teaching in the setting of a seminar, I have prepared material that the participants have not only specifically come to engage in, but have chosen to invest their time and money to have the opportunity to learn more about the content. I understand that sometimes I attempt to teach on a subject or scripture in the format of this podcast and that can pose some real challenges for the listener.

I knew as we began this series that my audience might dwindle some. I understand that when we are faced with absolute truths from God’s word they sometimes make us uncomfortable. Because I didn’t want that to be the result of this series, I made sure to remind you that both me and my wife have personally experienced divorce. I wish for the sakes of our children that wasn’t so, but as I said a few weeks ago, perhaps that is what gives me the ability to speak on the subject with authority as well as a complete lack of personal judgement. I am hopeful that the number of listeners who choose not to continue with this study to its conclusion is minimal. The intent is not in any way to cast dispersion on those who have chosen divorce in the past, but instead to illustrate that God desires to bless us as we move forward in decision to avoid repeating past mistakes.

Additionally, I know that there are a myriad of twists and turns in the recorded conversation Jesus had with these men. I also know as a counselor that Christians still today are being confused by the words of the passages we are dissecting in this series. I hope by breaking it down into bite sized pieces we can dispel some of those misunderstandings.

The nuances of the conversation between Jesus and the Pharisees that took place recorded for us in these two scripture passages are many. I truly think that it is because of a lack of understanding of these many distinctions that confusion about these two scriptures remains. Though I have been attempting to bring some of them to light, I think it might be important to point them out in greater detail before we continue with our look at the exchange between Jesus and the Pharisees. So that as we continue to do that, it will be easier for us to have greater understanding of what was taking place.

Allow me to remind you that this conversation took place in front of a large number of Israelite people who were following Jesus and listening to Him teach them as well as taking time to heal the sick and infirmed among them. These people were seeing miracles take place in real time, and so were literally hanging on every word Jesus spoke. Jesus was headed toward Jerusalem for the last time. He knew His death was imminent, and so I believe He was speaking more plainly about God’s desire for their lives than ever before. He was using parables less and less and talking more directly to them about the Kingdom of God.

When the Pharisees came to Jesus they had one thing on their minds. Discredit this teacher who threatened their power structure by telling the large crowds that He was the only way for them to have access to God. So as the Pharisees approached Jesus that day they wanted to make Him look like He didn’t know what He was talking about. They hoped this would cause His followers to begin to dissipate. These Pharisees may have had a singular goal in terms of Jesus, but that didn’t mean they agreed on everything. In fact, it was one of their disagreements that they intended to use to try to trap Jesus in His own words. There was as I have explained a more conservative group of Pharisees who thought that a portion of the law recorded in Deuteronomy 24 indicated that a husband must discover some indecency in his wife to be free to divorce her. Another more liberal group felt this same portion of the law gave the freedom to divorce just as long as a husband was displeased with his wife for any reason. This disagreement was their agreed upon chosen subject matter to try to entrap Jesus. They conspired together to ask Him questions concerning their differing interpretations of Deuteronomy 24 expecting that they might be able to make Jesus look like a fool in front of all of those people who were listening so intently to Him.

We will see as we continue to break the scripture down into small portions, neither of their positions were God’s intent, and they had to use deception to hold to either of their chosen interpretations. This may seem unimportant but it is actually my whole purpose for delving into this topic. The questions they asked Jesus that day were intended to twist the meaning of scripture and the mosaic law. I find that the recording of that exchange continues to deceive Christians even today about God’s truth when it comes to the topic of marriage and divorce. I think this deception continues to be possible because of our lack of understanding of the twists and turns of this conversation as well as a misreading of the portion of the law that was referred to and therefore misinterpreted by the Pharisees. Because of that I wanted to take the time to teach on this subject and offer what I believe to be a correct and valuable exegesis of these and the supporting scriptures that speak about marriage and divorce.

I pray that this side bar will help explain the necessity of breaking the scriptural account of this conversation between Jesus and those Pharisees down almost phrase-by-phrase. I hope that you will hang in there with me as we continue not only to try to glean as much truth as possible from their exchange, but also from the portion of the law that was referenced in it. I look forward to the process and hope that you will to, so that as we go forward your resolve to follow Christ in your marriages will only grow as your understanding of His word expands.

Next time we will continue with our study where we left off last week. God bless as you allow Him to lead and guide in your marriage…and Go be Awesome.

Marriage & Divorce Vol. 1

Hi, this is Pastor Ken and I want to welcome you to the Monday Marriage Message. Last week we concluded our study of Ephesians 5:21-33. That scripture is wonderful for teaching us as husbands and wives how to prefer one another and submit our own words and actions to be used to selflessly build up the one who God has given to us as a spouse. I love that passage as well because it is such a clear reminder that our marriages are intended to reflect God and the relationship He desires to have with each and every one of us. I really enjoyed taking the opportunity to break that scripture down in a methodical way and attempt to glean from it many of the truths that help us to be better husbands and wives, and to enjoy more effective marriages.

Unfortunately, in our society it would be difficult to have a serious discussion about marriage without at the very least confronting the troublesome subject of divorce. When almost half of all marriages end in divorce, it is a topic that must be addressed. According to the most recent Census, 45% of American marriages end in divorce. Nearly 80% of those who divorce will re-marry and of those who do, the divorce rate for second marriages rises to 60%. The failure rate for subsequent marriages only increases from there. I wish it were not so, but as a podcaster focused on the strengthening of marriages through scriptural teaching I understand that a substantial portion of my audience has personally experienced the effects of divorce. I have never hidden nor tried to disguise the fact that my wife and I have both been through divorce. Though it is a tragedy that I wish had not befallen our lives and the lives of our dear children, I understand that one of the purposes God has resurrected from the pain and difficulty of those broken marriages, is our ability to speak authoritatively on the subject. Our ability to do so however, does not come from any knowledge our experience taught us but rather from the knowledge God’s word reveals and our experiences have simply reinforced.

Over what will likely turn out to be the next several months we will open up two scriptural accounts of the same event. Those accounts are the written record of two different disciples. Mark and Matthew, as they recalled a conversation between Jesus and the Pharisees. Both accounts are individual perspectives, but are inspired by one Holy Spirit. As such, each will add important information to the discussion but will not contradict each another in any way. Those accounts are central to our discussion on the subject because the question brought to Jesus that day by the Pharisees was essentially this; Can people rightly get divorced for any reason they see fit? Jesus’ answer to those men was complex and informative far beyond their simple question, and I believe that as we dive into it deeply we will uncover many wonderful truths.

As I did when we began our study of Ephesians chapter five, I will read for you both of these passages in their entirety this first week and then as we move forward I will break each down verse by verse, or concept by concept. I will as before use supporting scriptures whenever possible to further our understanding of the play-by-play of these two focal passages. Because we will be looking at the two synoptic gospel accounts of Matthew and Mark, I will refer to them in parallel offering the account of each together to gain fuller understanding of Jesus’ comments. Let’s take a few minutes now though to read through both of the passages we will be looking at so closely.

Matthew 19:1-10 in the New King James Version says:

Now it came to pass, when Jesus had finished these sayings, that He departed from Galilee and came to the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. ²And great multitudes followed Him, and He healed them there. ³The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?” ⁴And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ ⁵and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? ⁶So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” ⁷They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” ⁸He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. ⁹And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” ¹⁰His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”

Now let’s read Mark 10:1-10 in the New King James Version it says:

10 Then He arose from there and came to the region of Judea by the other side of the Jordan. And multitudes gathered to Him again, and as He was accustomed, He taught them again. ²The Pharisees came and asked Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” testing Him. ³And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?” ⁴They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.” ⁵And Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. ⁶But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ ⁷‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, ⁸and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. ⁹Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” ¹⁰In the house His disciples also asked Him again about the same matter. ¹¹So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. ¹²And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

These are going to be the two focal scriptures for our discussion of marriage and divorce. It is my hope that as we work our way through these you will be encouraged no matter if you have experienced the trauma of divorce or not. If you have not, it is my prayer that this study will help you to see God’s boundless grace and mercy. It is my hope that you will glean from this study inarguable truths that will assist you to finish well the ministry of marriage that God has entrusted you with. If you are like Lynn and I and you have experienced the difficulty that divorce brings I pray that you will also find encouragement in this exposition of God’s word. I hope that you will come away from this study understanding the overwhelming truth that though God does hate divorce for reasons we will discover, He loves divorcees without limits! In most cases, divorce is not the right thing to engage in, and it is my belief for reasons I will share in later editions that it is never His desire for us, but that does not preclude divorced people from experiencing the best of His love and blessing in their lives. Additionally, I hope to be able to successfully illustrate from God’s own word that His forgiveness is for all, and is complete no matter which of His precepts we have acted contrary to. Finally, it is my hope that as we move into this discussion that for those who have remarried after divorce or are considering doing so, that there are instructions in His word that will lovingly guide us into the blessing of successful marriage that is in no way, shape or form…second rate.

I look forward to this time together just as I did our time in Ephesians 5. I hope you will be eager to join in as well and continue to the conclusion of our study of these passages no matter what your current marital standing.

So now, looking to Christ, listening to His Holy Spirit and investigation God’s Word for all of your instruction as you live your life as unto Him…Go be awesome!

Ephesians 5:21-33 Vol. 11

Hi, this is Pastor Ken and I want to welcome you to this week’s Monday Marriage Message. This will be the 11^th and final installment in our series focusing on Ephesians 5:21-33.

We finally have reached the last verse of this chapter and this passage concerning marriage. I hope this expository look has been as enjoyable and eye-opening for you as it has been for me. Just as I did as we began this study nearly three months ago, today I will read the passage in its entirety, and we will conclude with today’s focal verse.

Ephesians 5:21-33 in the New King James Version reads as follows. ²¹submitting to one another in the fear of God. ²²Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. ²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. ³⁰For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. ³¹“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ³²This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Last week I made two statements that I want to take a moment to repeat here. Based on verses 30-32 I said that, “The analogy has become the reality”, and that “Marriage between a man and a woman is no longer utilized to simply describe the relationship between us and God but rather has come to define that relationship”. I feel that perhaps those statements need some clarification. In verses 30-32 Paul made three important points.

As Christ followers, we are one flesh with Christ. (Verse 30)
He connected the previous statement with God’s design for marriage to recreate a “One flesh” condition between a husband and a wife reminiscent of the literal “One flesh” condition shared between Adam and Eve. (Verse 31)
Paul reiterated that the fact that God continues to make every man and woman joined in marriage “One flesh” is “mysterious” and in my estimation, miraculous, and is only possible by the all-powerful creative hand of God, but that he was in fact writing that Christ and the church enjoys such a relationship. (Verse 32)

In light of those facts placed into evidence by the Holy Spirit as He inspired Paul to write these words, I made the aforementioned statements. In nearly every book of the Old Testament God used marriage in one form or another as an analogy of the relationship He desired to enjoy with His people. In Christ, the analogy has become the reality. No longer is marriage used by God to describe the connection He longs to have with us, marriage can now be defined by the personal relationship we enjoy with Jesus Christ. As I shared just two weeks ago, according to Matthew 25:31-46 Jesus takes very seriously the way we interact with our spouse, and considers it the way we are interacting with Him personally.

With that understanding, let’s move on to verse 33, Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. As we interact with one another, God gives each spouse specific instruction as to how to do so. Interestingly He finishes precisely where He began in verse 21. There, the instruction is to submit to one another out of respect for God. Here in verse 33, we are told how to do that. In previous episodes of the Monday Marriage Message, I have mentioned that men and women have differing primary relational needs. As revealed before, these principal needs of love and respect are the same needs God has in order for our oneness with Him to be in good standing. In Deuteronomy 6:5 and 5:7 He commands us to love Him with all we have and to respect Him above all others. Coincidently, women are always searching to find out if they are loved and cared about for what they think, say, believe and do. On the other hand, men are created to consider at all times if they are respected for the very same things. As a result, when God mysteriously and miraculously creates of a man and a woman a “One flesh” condition, that marriage now has the same two primary relational needs as its Creator. In this way among others, that marriage now has greater capacity to fulfill its purpose and reflect the image and likeness of God.

Because God knows intimately that which He has created, He is well aware of our differing primary relational needs, He is after all, the one who wisely so endowed us. He also knows our propensity to offer to others that which would be pleasing to us. He knows that a man will have a natural tendency to show his wife his respect, because he would so highly value it if he knew beyond any doubt, that in all circumstances she respected Him. Likewise, God knows that He has created every woman in a way that will propel them to show love to their husbands. Love is the one thing above all else that she desires her husband to share with her unconditionally. God is not surprised that we will each offer that which we desire to receive. However, God wants us to submit to the other in fear of Him. Therefore, He commands the man to love and the wife to respect. In a very real sense, He is saying, “Husbands, because you love and respect me, submit to your wife and give her what she needs most. Love her by meeting her specific needs. Additionally, God implores the wife to respect her husband, to submit to him by continually meeting his primary need for respect. This action of hers is possible because of her deep love and respect for her Lord.

When husbands and wives meet the principal need their spouse possesses, they are in fact saying several important things congruent with this passage. They are recognizing that their spouse is simply different than they are and more importantly, that dissimilarity does not indicate a deficiency on their spouse’s part. Second, they are illustrating that they are willing to submit their words and actions to fulfill their spouse’s primary relational needs. Finally and likely most importantly, they do these things out of a deep love and respect for the One giving the command. Jesus said, “If you love me you will keep my commandments” and “Why do you call me Lord, Lord and not do the things I say?”

Correct action has little value without correct motivation. When we do the right thing but for the wrong reasons, we generally find that our inappropriate motivation either blemishes the final outcome, erodes our longstanding desire to act as we should, or both. It is crucial to understand that concept when it comes to our marriages. As people we often ask questions that illuminate a wrongly placed motive for a rightly completed action. “What’s in it for me?” this question indicates that while the action may appear to be selfless, in truth, the motivation is selfishness. “How long do I have to do this?” illustrates a selfish mindset as well as a distrust in God that His prescriptions are for our best. When I offer counsel to address a marital difficulty by submitting to God’s precepts clearly written in His word, people often tell me “I tried that and it didn’t work”. I understand they may have tried the particular action in question, but their motivation obviously wasn’t what it needed to be. When carried out with a pure motive, one of genuine selflessness and a deep trust that God knows best regardless of what worldly wisdom would suggest, a desirable result will undoubtedly be the outcome personally, in the spouse…or more likely in both.

It is God who says “Husband, love your wife…wife, respect your husband”. Do so in response to Him. Submit to one another’s needs, in the fear of God.

Questions to answer:

Have you ever considered that when you give your spouse what they need from you, you are giving God what He wants from you?
What does that understanding do to motivate you to act in the right ways?
What differences do you feel correct motivation makes to your ability to carry our correct action?
How do the above mentioned factors of motivation vs. action affect the overall outcome?

Actions to take:

Discuss each of your differing primary relational needs and why they are each so important to you personally.
Talk about some of the noteworthy things each of you have learned as the result of this expository look at Ephesians 5:21-33.
Commit to reading this passage together at least once a month and discuss its continued effect on your marriage and be willing to consider what additional changes God wants to see it bring going forward.

So now, submitting to one another by making your spouse’s primary relational need your primary concern, and doing so for the best reason in all history, because the one who died for you asked you to…Go be awesome!

Ephesians 5:21-33 Vol.10

Hi this is Pastor Ken and I want to welcome you once again to the Monday Marriage Message. This is episode # 10 in our study of Ephesians 5:21-33

Today we will focus on verses 31 and 32, but I will begin reading with last week’s focal point, verse 30 for context. For we are members of His body of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh” This is a great mystery but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

You will recall that last week I spoke of the truth from verse 30 that as Christ followers we are considered by God to be one with Christ just as we are one with our spouse. In that verse, the analogy used throughout the entirety of God’s word is described as having become our current reality. We are married to Jesus! Ephesians 5:31 is a direct quotation of God in the Garden of Eden as He endorsed the goodness of the “One Flesh” condition He had created between Adam and Eve. We can find His original statement recorded in Genesis 2:24. Jesus also quoted the same truth when speaking to the Pharisees in a conversation recorded for us in both Matthew chapter 19 and Mark chapter 10. In that exchange Jesus was attempting to help the Pharisees understand that marriage is something only constructed by God and so, mere men do not posses the necessary understanding to be able to successfully undo it. He not only quoted Genesis 2:24 but added His own commentary as well. In Matthew 19:6 and Mark 10:9.It is recorded that Jesus concluded His thoughts of what God miraculously does at every marriage between a man and a woman with the following statement. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together let not man separate”.

The Greek word Jesus used in that conversation was suzeugnumi (sood-zyoog’-noo-mee), and it means to join two for a singular united purpose. It is only used in the New Testament to reference a man and a woman joined in marriage. It’s literal meaning is to glue together in a manner that will not allow for successful future separation. One intimation is that of homogenization, where two similar yet different substances are mixed with such finality that they no longer attempt to separate. A wonderful example being milk. Prior to homogenization, the cream will rise to the top and separate itself from the milk. After milk is homogenized, in its new thoroughly mixed state it will no longer separate. I also like to use an illustration of making bread. Though separate ingredients make up the dough, once baked it has become joined in a way that separation of those ingredients is no longer possible.

Jesus was making the point that when God joins a man and a woman he does so to give two different people one united purpose, simply stated that purpose is to reflect the image and likeness of God (Genesis 1:27). Furthermore, He was reiterating that what God joins, man cannot fathom how to unjoin. Just as a person enjoying a slice of bread produced by a baker, can perceive the different flavors and textures of the original ingredients but has no ability to reduce the bread back to its original components.

If we are in fact “One Flesh” with Jesus as we saw last week from verse 30 then this joining of us to Christ has indeed taken place as well. When we accept Christ as both Lord and Savior, we join ourselves with Him. We become as Paul wrote, members of His body of His flesh and of His bones. As I said a few moments ago, Paul clearly indicated in this verse that the analogy has become the reality. This is no longer an attempt to describe, but rather to define the relationship between Christ and us. As “One Flesh” with Jesus, we are to be inseparable from Him. We are to be joined in such a way that we can no longer become un-joined. It is intended to be a covenantal relationship that has no end.

The implications of this relationship are in a sense then unending. Everything we do, we do sood-zyoog’-noo-mee’ed to Jesus. We no longer posses the ability to successfully separate ourselves from Him. All of our words, thoughts and actions are fully exposed before Him. We should understand this is not because He is a far-a-way God who sees across time and space because of omniscience, it is because we have willingly been joined to Him, Married to Him, and His omnipresence allows for individual, intimate relationship with each and every one of us. This is a glorious thing! Weddings are something to celebrate! It could be a daunting thing as a fallible being to consider that we are joined in a “One Flesh” relationship with a perfect groom. The weight of that has the potential to limit our joy when we realize that though created in His image and likeness, we are not perfect in all of our ways as He is. However, our joy can be restored when we consider that Paul reminded us that in the past Jesus gave Himself for us. In the present He is setting us aside especially for Himself, and is washing us by the water of the Word. And in the future, He intends to present us to Himself a perfect bride, just as He presented Adam with Eve. On that glorious day, Jesus will look at us and see nothing but perfection! I imagine The Last Adam will do just as the first Adam did and joyfully exclaim…Finally! Flesh of my flesh and Bone of my bone!

Additionally I think it important to recognize that Verse 31 contains a noteworthy formula. Originally in Genesis 2:24 it was given as the formula for how this amazing “One Flesh” relationship between Adam and Eve would be duplicated and passed on throughout the rest of human history. I believe God was saying that the oneness He had given to Adam and Eve by literally creating Eve from the flesh and bone of Adam was perfect for the singular purpose of reflecting His attributes and character. I think that God was expressing that He would use the process of marriage to recreate that oneness between a man and a woman going forward throughout time. He would not put each man to sleep and take a rib and fashion for that man a wife. Instead, He purposed that a man would choose to leave the comfort of his father and mother’s home a product of their one flesh condition. God would then join that man to his wife, and they would become a newly formed marriage that would miraculously experience their own “One Flesh” condition reminiscent of the one Adam and Eve enjoyed. (Matthew 19 & Mark 10)

Furthermore, I think that When Paul was inspired to add that quotation in his letter to the Ephesians it was because the parallel requires our consideration. Jesus left His Father’s home, Heaven, to seek out His bride, the church…us, so that we could be members of His body of His flesh and of His bones. The process was the same. Through His death on the cross, the penalty for all of our sin was placed upon His righteous shoulders. Our sin forced a separation of Jesus from God His Father. Why did this have to happen? Because through the miracle of resurrection, our sin could be exonerated, and He could finally be made one with us, His bride. When Jesus went to the cross, the analogy became the reality indeed!

I think Jesus gave this voice in His prayer for us in the Garden of Gethsemane. In John chapter 17:20-23 that portion of His prayer to His Father the night before His crucifixion is recorded for us. He prayed; “I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in me through their word; that they may be one, as you Father are in Me, and I in You; That they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that you sent me. And the Glory which You gave Me, I have given them, that they may be one just as we are one; I in them and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that you have sent me, and have loved them as You have loved Me”.

Jesus was clear, He was going to the cross so that we could be redeemed for the express purpose of freeing us so that He would be free to take us as His bride! Hebrews 12:1-2 says this of the way that Jesus sees us and the response we should have as we look back at Him. Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross. It kind of sounds like the description of a beautiful wedding and a perfect marriage doesn’t it?

Questions to answer:

What does it mean to you that Jesus places such high importance on being one with you?
Now that it is obvious that the analogy has indeed become the reality, what differences does that inspire you to make in your marriage with your spouse?

Actions to take:

Take some time to meditate on what Jesus did for you and why He was so glad to do it.
Thank Him personally for being so desirous to go to such lengths to make you His bride.

So now, in gratitude to a Lord and Savior who loves you so much that He was willing to do whatever it took to make you one with you eternally, spend each day in this life living expressly for Him and…Go be Awesome!

Ephesians 5:21-33 Vol. 9 – February 27, 2023

Hi, this is Pastor Ken. Thanks for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message Podcast. Today is our ninth installment in our discovery of what God wants us to know about the interaction He desires to see in our marriages based on Ephesians 5:21-33.

Today’s edition will focus on verse 30. This is a short verse indeed, but full of potential marriage changing truth…so let’s get started shall we? Ephesians 5:30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones.

Last week I laid some groundwork for our discussion from the book of Genesis. Today I will again reference two of those scriptures because they are so crucial to our understanding of this one. In Genesis 2:23 it is recorded for us that when Adam was presented with Eve, the woman God had made specifically for him, from a rib God had taken from him, he made the following declaration. “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man”. Essentially Adam was saying, “This woman and I are one flesh, we are joined to one another by God…we are married.

In the next verse we read God’s response to Adam’s statement. Genesis 2:24 says Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh. Here we find that God is giving us some incredible information. He is saying that because He has created a marriage of two people by literally creating one from the flesh of the other, and has found it to be very good (Genesis 1:31) for the purpose of reflecting Himself, He purposed to continue that arrangement forevermore. In this verse God indicated that going forward from that moment in time, although He would not put every man to sleep, take a rib and fashion for that man a wife, He would continue to join a man and a woman and make them one. He made the plan clear. When a man grew up he would leave his father and mother (the result of their “one flesh” relationship) and be joined by God to his wife, and that new couple would live in a newly formed “one flesh” condition resembling that which Adam and Eve enjoyed. Jesus reiterated this truth to the Pharisees recorded for us in Matthew 19:4-6. There Jesus said, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning, made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two of them shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate”.

Adam declared that he and Eve were “one flesh”. God Endorsed Adam’s understanding and said that the plan going forward would be that He would continue to join a man and a woman and make them “one flesh”. Jesus reminded us that it is God, not man who joins a man and a woman in marriage and that as a result, they “are no longer two, but one flesh”. Now we come to scripture found in Ephesians 5:30 where by the inspiration of the third part of the Godhead, the Holy Spirit inspired the Apostle Paul to write, “For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones”. What is Paul saying? He is saying what he has been saying throughout this entire passage from verses 21through 33. As followers of Christ, we are a part of the church. The church is the bride of Christ. You and I are considered by God to be in a “one flesh” relationship with Jesus!

That information alone is staggering and reason for immense praise and gratefulness to God for giving us this great privilege! The fact that He was willing to send His own Son to earth to pay the penalty for our sin, which had separated us from Him is too much for me to imagine sometimes. When I consider that He did this so that we would be able to spend eternity in heaven, that alone is so much more than we deserve. However, that overwhelming loving action of God was not only chosen so we could stand before Him blameless. It was not simply so we could someday go to, and enjoy heaven. It was accomplished so that we could be married to the one who died to make it possible. Would you be willing to watch your only child be brutally murdered so that you could gain a daughter-in-law? That is what God did for us! If there were no further truth that could be gleaned from this single verse…it would be more than enough. But wait…there is more!

According to Ephesians 5:30, if you are a Christ follower, you are one flesh with Christ. According to verses 25-27 which we looked at a few weeks ago; in the past, Jesus gave Himself for you, so that in the present He could set you aside for Himself and wash you by the water of the word. Finally, we read that in the future He plans to present you to Himself holy and without blemish, a perfect bride! What a wonderful plan! If you are part of a “one flesh” relationship with someone who is also a Christ follower, then the plan is the same for them! You are each one with Christ. That is a beautiful thing…but it also reveals an awesome responsibility.

What would happen if I were away from home and my wife was in our yard doing some gardening and one of our neighbors came up to her and began to be mean to her? What if he started verbally berating her? What if he told her that she was a terrible neighbor? What do you think would be the result when I got home and became aware of what had transpired? Do you think that our neighbor who felt he had a problem with my wife would now have a more serious problem with me? I can assure you he would! If someone treated my bride, the one I am “one flesh” with in that way…I would take it very personally. I would react toward that person as if He had done those things directly to me. God’s word tells us that when we interact negatively with others Christ is “one flesh” with He takes it personally as well!

In Matthew 25:31-46 Jesus described what the day will be like when He comes again. In the New Living Translation it says He described it as follows. “But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left. “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’ “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’ “Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons.For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’ “Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’ “And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’ “And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.”

Jesus takes the way we treat those who are “one flesh” with Him very personally. So personally in fact that He said, He counts it as if it had been done to Him. This is important for us to understand because it means that if I am one with Christ, and I am, and my wife is one with Christ, and she is…then how I interact with her, Jesus says is how I am interacting with Him! It is not an indication of how I interact with Him. It is not a shadow or a picture of how I interact with Christ. Jesus is clear. The way that I interact with my wife is how I am interacting with Him. I cannot say that I have a good relationship with Jesus if I do not have a good relationship with my wife. Period. On the other hand, if I have a wonderful “one flesh” relationship with her, Jesus is pleased that I am treating her as He wants to be treated.

Questions to answer:

Have you ever considered the correlation between the way you treat your spouse and the way Jesus feels you are treating Him?
What things do you want to see change in that regard?
What reminders can you offer yourself that will help you remember this great truth when interacting with your spouse?

Actions to take:

Talk together about how you want to move forward in your “one flesh” condition in a way that will also take good care of your “one flesh” relationship with the Lord.
Take some time to seek God’s forgiveness for times you have not treated Christ well when interacting with your spouse.
Take time to seek your spouse’s forgiveness for not treating them as Christ wanted you to.

So now, recognizing that the way you interact with your spouse is the way Jesus says you are interacting with Him…Go be awesome!

Ephesians 5:21-33 Vol. 8 – February 20, 2023

Hi this is Pastor Ken and I want to welcome you once again to the Monday Marriage Message. This is the 8^th installment in our series dedicated to unpacking the truths found in Ephesians 5:21-33.

This week we will conclude with the example from this passage given to a husband as to how to love his wife.

Ephesians 5:28-29 in the New King James Version says; So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

As with all scripture there is much more to unpack in these two simple verses than meets the eye upon first glance. The words seem plain enough, but the basis for them is founded on an incredible complexity. As I have eluded to many times in past Monday Marriage Messages, the primary purpose of marriage is to complete the process of the creation of mankind, enabling it to accurately reflect its Creator. Genesis 1:26 indicates that as His crowning accomplishment of creation week, God desired to create a being that could take charge of and manage all that He had created. As the grand finale, God desired to create someone in His own image and likeness, someone who would reflect His attributes and character in everything they did. The next verse, verse 27 tells us God did just that. And so God created man in His own Image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Thankfully we have access to the context Genesis chapter two offers which explains the complexity of these two verses.

Genesis chapter two helps us to understand that even though Adam was created first, the moment God created him, he also created the need for Eve, and provided everything necessary for her delivery on scene. Genesis 2:18 informs us that God understood that Adam was not a complete representation of Himself in a singular state. That verse says, And the Lord God said, “It is not Good that man should be alone, I will make a helper comparable to him”. I have shared in past episodes that the original Hebrew text means that Adam was merely a singular part of a complete set, both of which would be critical to their ability to fulfill their primary purpose of being in God’s image and likeness. In Genesis 2:21-22 we learn of the process by which the comparable helper came to be. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. Upon being presented with Eve, Adam made a profound declaration which we read in verse 23. And Adam said; “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man”. When God created Adam, He created everything necessary to reflect Himself, but Adam was not capable of accessing everything that was God-like that was inside him. Adam was only a man, and as such he was limited in his ability to accurately reflect the totality of the attributes of God. Some of the characteristics of God are found predominantly in man, some are more easily displayed in woman. When the two are made One, the entirety of God’s image and likeness are possible. Adam declared in verse 23 that he and Eve were one flesh, that she had in fact been taken out of him, eluding to the point that at the moment “God created him, male and female He created them”(Genesis 1:27). Adam and Eve were created married. They were from their beginning in a “One Flesh” condition. In the next verse God said that in response to their perfect union which was capable of accomplishing the goal of reflecting Himself, He would replicate it in every marriage that would follow theirs. “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

I review all of that here because it is the basis for the two verses from Ephesians 5 that I am focusing on today. Without this starting point, the statement from verse 28, So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself; really makes no sense. Here, Paul was reminding us that as married couples we are in a “One flesh” relationship with our spouse. In just a few short verses Paul went on to state that though it is a mystery how God does this, He is still today in the business of taking a man and a woman and making them one flesh just as He did with Adam and Eve. Obviously, we are not physically one flesh as they were, but mysteriously or as I like to say, miraculously we are one flesh spiritually which has an effect on us in the physical and emotional realms as well. What Paul is saying is that a husband should care for his wife just like He cares for his own needs, because in light of their “One Flesh” condition when he cares for her needs he is caring for his own needs. Additionally he says when husbands love their wives, they are loving themselves.

Verse 29 adds to the motivation for the command in verse 28. It says; For no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. In other words because we love ourselves, we ought to love our wives. Those looking for the loophole have asked me from time to time…some people are always looking for the loopholes…“But Pastor Ken, What if you don’t love yourself?”. Paul addressed these people here in this verse; I guess people in his time were looking for the loopholes as well. Here he makes it abundantly clear that we care for those we love…and we instinctively care for ourselves by meeting our basic needs, so…we do love ourselves…everyone loves themselves enough to eat when hungry, dress when cold, seek shelter when exposed to the elements, etc. Those loophole seekers then settle into the idea that in order to love their wives correctly and authentically, they need only supply the needs their wife has that they agree should be needs. If it is not a need of their own, then they have license to deny their wife of said need. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In order to drive that particular point home, Paul addressed it in his final remarks on the subject in verse 33.

When husbands are good to their wives, they are being good to themselves. When Husbands love their wives, they in effect love themselves. When husbands meet the relational needs their wives have, they find their own relational needs met. This motivation in and of itself would suffice…except it has the propensity to be misused, abused, and manipulated for personal gain. We need a higher motivation to aspire to in able to successfully avoid the temptation to allow selfish desire to enter our marriages. Without it we might love well, to be loved well. Be good to our wife to be treated good in return. We might even agree to meet her needs so that ours will be met. Each of these an intended outcome, but never meant to be the motivation. With that in mind, Paul penned the final phrase…Just as the Lord does the church.

As I noted a few weeks ago, Jesus did not do what He did for the church because he had personal need to. He was sinless…He did not need to die to live eternally with God. That was already His. Jesus did what He did for us because we had need of Him to do so. He came and lowered Himself to elevate His bride, because it was a critical need His bride had. We are His creation…essentially an extension of Himself. We had a need so He illustrated His love for us by meeting our need. In the same way, we are to instinctively meet our bride’s needs regardless if it is a personal need of ours or not. In this way we show our love for our wife… Just as the Lord does the church.

Questions to answer:

How do husbands love themselves by loving their wives?
What does that look like in a practical sense?

Actions to take:

Discuss why you think this is so important to God.
Ask God to help you make the things he prioritizes in your marriage the most important to you.

So now, giving the utmost value to the purposeful circle of love and respect that God has designed to be in the very DNA of the “One Flesh” condition…Go be awesome!

Ephesians 5:21-33 Vol. 7 – February 14, 2023

Hi, this is Pastor Ken and I want to welcome you to the Monday Marriage Message. Today will be the seventh installment in our series on Ephesians 5:21-33.

I will begin today with the verse we focused on last week and lead into the next two verses for this installment. Beginning with verse 25 and ending with verse 27.

Ephesians 5:25-27 says; ²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

The command given in verse 25 as we discovered last week is for Husbands to love their wives. This is notable as it follows the command for wives to be subject to their husbands in all things (verse 24). Worldly wisdom would dictate, it is not necessary for a husband to love one who is subject to him. Rather, he need only rule her utilizing her subjugation to him to control and limit her words and actions to those he finds pleasing and profitable for meeting his needs. However, the command to the husband is to love his wife. Love being actionable will necessitate that he be careful with his words and his actions to ensure that they are found loving by her. If adhered to, this command will remove any submission motivated by fear. 1 John 4:18 tells us, There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. The argument has rightfully been made that a wife would likely be more than willing to submit to a husband whom she found to be loving to her in all ways and at all times.

So if the command to husbands is to love…and it is, how is he to accomplish the instruction given him? The answer: As Christ loves the church. In these three verses, there are three different examples of how Christ loves the church. They are listed in order of accomplishment, past, present, and future. Verse 25 lays out how Christ did this in the past tense. He gave Himself for her. We dissected this verse last week and I spoke as to how a husband can lay down his life for his wife short of and yes, including the ultimate sacrifice if necessary. I spoke far more about how we are to lay down our lives for them in ways less than sacrificing our physical lives, because it is in these “lesser” ways that we have greater possibilities of correctly and authentically following this instruction.

Verse 26 indicates a way that Christ is loving the church presently. ^26 “that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word”. This means that Christ is currently busying Himself with our sanctification. He is setting us apart. Giving us His own special attention. He is providing for us through the work of the Holy Spirit the ability to fulfill our potential and be all that He has created us to be. He is accomplishing this through the perfecting process of washing us with the cleansing agent of the word. In His prayer for us in the Garden, Jesus prayed that we would be sanctified by God’s truth and then stated that God’s word is truth. (John 17:17) Through the application of His word, Christ is even now cleansing us of our fleshly desire which our enemy attempts to use in order to separate us from our bridegroom.

Verse 27 follows with the futuristic example of Christ’s love for His bride. ^27 “that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish”. On the glorious day that we see Jesus face to face, according to 1 John 3:2 we will be like Him, perfect, not having any residual blemish from our past sinful condition. This is a necessary act of His love. Christ cannot be joined and made one with anything less than perfection or else, He by association would also become flawed. As God, He must remain perfect and therefore if He is to be married, it must be to a perfect bride.

So if we as husbands are to love our wives as Christ loved the church…and we are…what do these verses offer us in the way of instruction? We spoke last week of how a husband can lay down his life for his wife. Certainly, we can see how verse 26 illustrates that we should set our own wife apart, giving her a place of prominence in our thinking and actions above all others. Each husband should love his own wife in such a way that she has no question about the fact that she is more precious to him than any other woman on the planet.

Additionally verse 27 indicates that he should make every effort to utilize his God ordained leadership role to facilitate her perfecting process. Men: take caution! Understand that it is not for you to perfect your bride…for you…it is for you to give of all that you have to make every provision for the two of you to be perfected…for Christ. Spiritual leadership is just that…leadership…not lordship. A leader is simply the one at the front of a line clearing the way for those behind him to accomplish their mutual goal. He has no greater value than those following him. If anything, the position of leadership would indicate an expendability that exposes the leader to risk while shielding those behind him from the danger.

Another example of how a husband can love his wife as Christ loves His bride that we should absolutely take from these three verses is offering a love without interruption. Christ loved in the past, loves in the present, and looks forward to the future expression of His love for the church. As husbands, we can follow His example by being careful our love for our own wife is offered to her uninterrupted. We should keep in our minds the love we had for our wife when we were first joined in marriage. We need to regularly take inventory to make sure that our love for her is as easy for her to recognize now as it ever was. Finally, we ought to be planning for future loving action that will ensure her security that she is indeed loved and will continually be so without fear of cessation.

Next week we will look at the final all-inclusive instruction given here in this scripture as to how husbands are to love their wives.

Questions to answer:

Husbands – In what ways do you try to convey your love for your wife?
Wives – In the past and or the present, have you understood those words and actions your husband just noted as evidence of his love for you?
How do the two of you think you do at expressing and understanding love?

Actions to take:

Discuss the past, present and future expressions of Christ’s love for the two of you, and talk about the impact those have had on your marriage as well as the impact you both think it should have going forward.
Thank Jesus for the expressions of love that He has been so free in showing the two of you.

So, now gentlemen, loving your wife with the same intensity that Christ loves you…go be awesome!

Ephesians 5:21-33 Vol. 6 – February 6, 2023

Hi this is pastor Ken and this is my Monday Marriage Message. The Right Questions…

Hi, this is Pastor Ken, Thank you for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message. I look forward to continuing in Ephesians 5:21-33. As we have made our way through the passage, I have been expounding on all the ways that the Apostle Paul wrote concerning how married couples are to submit to one another in the fear of God (Vs 21). To this point, we have been looking at how a wife is to submit to her husband. Today men, it is time for the direction of the spotlight to shine on us.

As I mentioned last week the focus of verses 25-28 are how the husband is to submit to the wife. You may remember about a month ago when we began this study I introduced Romans 12:10 into the conversation. There we read the instruction phrased to prefer one another. The content and context of that scripture and Ephesians 5:21 is quite similar. I shared that the words prefer and submit have incredibly close definition in these two scriptures. I bring this up again because as we move into verses 25-28 husbands are called to consider their wives as more important than themselves. In other words, the command to us men is to prefer our wives above ourselves.

Ephesians 5:25-28 says ²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

Just as I did with the verses that spoke of the responsibilities of a wife, I am going to break down this passage one concept at a time. Today we will focus on verse 25. When we looked at the instruction to a wife, it began with the phrase Wives submit to your own husband. This verse begins with Husbands, love your wives. Just as we discovered that the word submit means to voluntarily place oneself under the authority of another, I hope to illustrate that in this context, the command for the husband to love his wife has much the same meaning. On the one hand, husbands are instructed to love in a specific way. They are to do so just as Christ loved the church. Husbands are not free to love their wives in any fashion they choose. They must submit to loving their wives just as Christ loved the church. This requires submission to Christ in the sense that we adopt His lead in terms of how to love correctly and authentically. God is love, and if we are going to love our wife as He intends, then we must do so His way. If a husband is going to truly love his wife, He can do no better than to willingly pass along or be a conduit of God’s love for her. That requires that husbands submit to being used by God to transmit His own immense and intense love for their wives.

Additionally, to love his wife correctly, a husband must submit to her. The example given is that a husband love His wife in a very specific way. He is to love her in the same manner that Christ loves the church. Paul wrote that the evidence of Christ’s love for His bride was that He gave Himself for her. Obviously, this means primarily that Christ died for the church. Many husbands, in their desire to be seen strong and courageous think they are rightly following Christ’s example by declaring that they too would die for their wife if need be, all the while knowing the need to prove themselves sincere will likely never arise. Yes, Christ died for the church, and if necessary as husbands, we should be willing to sacrifice our lives in the place of our wife or children’s lives. However when Paul was inspired to write the phrase “and gave Himself for her” there is much more to the love Christ had for us beyond going to the cross, that was but the culmination of far, far more.

When Christ came to earth as an infant, that was not His beginning. Jesus has always been. He says of Himself, “I am the beginning and the end”. The Apostle John wrote that In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made (John 1:1-3). Furthermore, it is recorded in 1Pet 1:19-20 ¹⁹but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. ²⁰He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. Jesus coming to die for our sins had been the plan since before He laid the foundations of the world. What does all that have to do with a husbands love for his wife? Christ’s love for the church was all encompassing. It was not manifested in some things, but not others. It was totally complete, lacking nothing.

Jesus came from heaven to earth. He left a place that was heavenly and came to a place filled with difficulty and pain, much of it He endured personally. He did not plan for eternity past and then actually come and die for our sin because He had need to do so. No, Jesus came and endured the cross because we had need of Him to do so. It cost Him in every way. It hurt Him physically to be whipped and endure an agonizing death on a cross. It hurt Him emotionally to have those He was treating with love scream for His execution. It was spiritually excruciating. His Heavenly Father had been eternally inseparable from Him. But in that moment, The Father looked away from the Son in disgust. Our sin was covering Jesus and the result was that Christ was now intolerable to the Father. His pain at this recognition was evidenced by His outcry, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? Jesus could not have done anything more to illustrate that He had decided that we (the Church…His bride) and our needs far superseded His own.

Men, that is our example. That brand of love is the exact kind we are to have for our wife. The instruction to us is to make our wife’s every need more important to us than ours are. We must lay down our desires to meet her needs. If our decisions are to be correct ones as they pertain to our wife, then they must be made out of the purest of selflessness just as Christ’s were in terms of the church. Is it possible for a wife to take advantage of that kind of love and care? Of course it is, as possible as it is for a husband to take advantage of her submission to him. The righteousness of something is never determined by how it is received…only in how it is offered. The brand of love shown to the church by Christ’s action required His preference of us. When we do the same for our wives, we are preferring them as we have been instructed to. This is one of those things that I like to say is difficult but is not complicated. It certainly is not easy to choose someone else above yourself in every instance and at every opportunity. However, it is not complicated at all to determine that a selfless choice is always superior to a selfish one.

Next week we will resume by discovering the reason why we should go to such lengths to put all of our wife’s needs above our own.

Questions to answer:

Gentlemen – Most husbands are totally on board with the idea of a submissive wife, what are your thoughts about being a subservient husband?
Ladies – In light of this scriptural instruction to your husband, does it impact your thoughts about the instruction to you to be subject to him in all things?

Actions to take:

Discuss how these two commandments; That wives are to be submissive, and husbands are to be subservient, interact with each other.
Consider together if you think they go hand-in-hand or counteract one another, additionally talk about your thoughts of their dependence upon one another.
In a judgement free manner, talk about how the two of you do well or need to improve in these two areas.
Pray together and ask God to help both of you make these commandments of His a priority in your marriage.

So now men, choosing to make your wife’s needs your priority just like Jesus did for you…Go be Awesome!

Jesus found it necessary to do two things for these Pharisees to help them have a better understanding of what they were asking. First He chose to take them back to the beginning. So often as was the case with these men, we want answers to our questions. What we don’t realize is that our questions are flawed due to our skewed perception and so an answer to our question as stated will simply propel our flawed thinking. Jesus understood this. The Pharisees were asking a question about divorce. Divorce is a result of flawed thinking, therefore any primary answer to that question would have served only to keep the conversation headed in a flawed direction. Jesus first had to correct the direction of the conversation and did so. How? He answered their question about divorce in terms of marriage. He made an attempt to steer the dialogue into a much more profitable direction by talking with them about their marriages. The second thing Jesus did here was to reorient the Pharisees in terms of their skewed thinking about marriage. They were looking at marriage as a temporary condition; Jesus reiterated that God, the inventor of the institution, saw it as a lifelong covenant.

Jesus illustrated for them in terms they well understood (the Old Testament scriptures) that marriage was intended to take two people and make them one, duplicating what had been done by creating Eve from one of Adam’s ribs. Adam and Eve were one flesh from the word go. Jesus was pointing out that through marriage, God re-creates that situation for every man and woman who marry. Jesus also made it a point that it was God who had married them to their spouses, and what God does we can’t figure out in our limited ability how to undo.

The analogy I like to use is that of a loaf of bread. The baker starts out with separate ingredients. Though he may add more ingredients than oil, water, yeast and flour, those are the necessary ones. After the ingredients are mixed and have had time to rise, the dough that is formed is thoroughly mixed through the process of kneading. The baker does this with great care until the dough is just right, a compliment of just the right amount of the incorporated ingredients. That dough created just as the baker wanted, with informed intent he shapes it into loaves and places it in the oven. A short time later, the dough emerges something new…bread. In the same way the baker has taken the multiple ingredients and made them one thing that we can’t figure out how to successfully separate again, what God has joined, no one should try to separate.

We may have difficulty understanding our “one flesh” condition but it is our reality none the less. Paul certainly recognized this and called it a great mystery (Ephesians 5:32). Jesus said it though, “They are no longer two, but one flesh.” When we are walking comfortably in our new reality we have little problem accepting it, we experience trouble however when we see our oneness as a restriction instead of a blessing. In those times we can think, even if only momentarily that it would be easier if we were able to live, act and move singularly again. That is however no longer reality, nor is it even correct. Ecclesiastes tells us clearly that two are better than one. Learning to walk comfortably in our oneness with another at all times is what is best, and to some degree the learning curve is what God intends. He desires that as we learn to be one with our spouse, we will learn what it truly means to be one with Him.

Questions to Answer:

What does being “no longer two, but one flesh” mean to you and your spouse?
What ways do you feel as though you and your spouse are one?
In what ways do you wish you noticed more oneness in your marriage?

Actions to Take:

Pray together that God will help you to have a fuller understanding of your oneness and that you will be open to all that means.

So now, looking to Him to complete your understanding of the oneness you share with your spouse…Go be Awesome!

Ephesians 5:21-33 Vol. 3 – January 16, 2023

Hi, this is Pastor Ken. Thank you for joining me for the Monday Marriage Message. Today we will be continuing to make our way through Ephesians Chapter 5, verses 21 through 33.

Last week we finished looking at verse 21, the reasons for, and the value of, learning to submit to one another in our marriages. I spoke to the fact that this mutual act of submission only makes sense and therefore, can only be possible long term if we understand who we are actually submitting to. I shared with you the importance of correct motivation. Our ability to continually submit to our spouse, who we know to be fallible, will soon become depleted as we recognize them to be no more deserving of having their needs met than we are. However, if we acknowledge that the command to submit to one another comes from God, then we understand that following His instruction is actually submission to Him. God is absolutely deserving of our obedience even when He is asking us to interact submissively toward our spouse who lacks His perfection. Verse 21 tells us what we are to do. The fact that the command comes from God’s word indicates who we are doing it for. As we continue, we are going to find specific application of how God desires for us to follow His command and submit to, or prefer one another.

Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

As I said in an earlier episode when introducing this passage, this is, in my experience as a marriage counselor, one of the most disagreed with (as wives) and most misunderstood (as husbands) scriptures on the subject of marriage. It is difficult to accept when read through the perspective of selfishness sin has inflicted upon all of us. As I stated in that edition, I believe this is why verse 21 is such an important place to begin when we dissect this passage. If we don’t start with the understanding that the command to submit is mutual, our self-centered thinking can lead to an incorrect thought process that one spouse is more important than the other. The obvious danger in these three verses is that if pulled out of context they might seemly indicate that the husband is superior to the wife. Nothing could be further from the truth or the spirit of this passage. It is true, this is a directive specifically to wives as to how to implement the instruction given in verse 21. This application is to women, but men, it is important to understand that the instructions to you concerning correctly carrying out verse 21 are coming later in verses 25-28 which we will spend future episodes looking into as well.

Before we dive into verses 22-24 allow me to begin by clearing up the gross misconception that women are in any way inferior to men and that is why they are to submit to their husbands. In Genesis 2:18 it says, And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” When we complete a proper exegesis of this verse we discover many truths perhaps lost in the general translation of Hebrew to English. To begin we need to understand what God inferred when He said “It is not good”. After each day of creation recorded for us in Genesis chapter 1, God made a declaration. Each day God surveyed all that He had done and declared that it was good. God was using the word “Good” to declare it to be completed. The actual Hebrew word [towb] pronounced [to-be] in the context of Genesis chapter 1 means excellent, with no room for additional value, in other words…complete. So when God declared in Genesis 2:18 that it is not good that man should be alone, He was stating that the created human solely in male form was not finished or complete for the intended purpose of looking like, and acting as, God does. Allow me to refer to Genesis 1:26-27 Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness…” So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them. God clearly chose to create mankind for the purpose of reflecting Himself, and did so in completed fashion as He created both male and female.

As we have just determined in Genesis chapter 2 (which by the way is written to give us much more detail about how Genesis 1:26&27 came to be) in verse 18 God declared that man without woman was incomplete. To correctly interpret God’s recorded statement. “It is not good for man to be alone…” we have to look at the meaning of the Hebrew word we translate to the English word, ‘Alone’. The Hebrew word is pronounced [Bad] which means separated or apart from its counterpart. Using an analogy to explain this meaning, it would be as if your pepper shaker was on the dining room table and you noted that the salt shaker was alone on the kitchen counter. It would be absent from its counterpart, and though alone, it would still be a crucial piece of a set intended to be used together. In this scripture, God was intimating that in order to complete the set, He needed to united Adam with his counterpart.

To complete our understanding of this verse we have to look at the final phrase of God’s declaration. “…I will make him a helper comparable to him.” This phrase is translated from the Hebrew words Ezer [ay’zer] and Neged [neh’ghed] When these words are put together they mean an absolute counterpart to a perfect set.

I don’t want to linger too long here but it is important to our understanding of Ephesians 5 that we recognize there is no superior or inferior member of humankind. Eve was created to be the absolute and perfect counterpart to Adam. She was equal in valuation to him in every way. She was not greater or less than Adam. He was not superior to her, she was not inferior to him. They were a perfectly created matched set. Equal in every way, though often differing in function. Together in a “one flesh” condition their stated purpose was to reflect God. We will discover as we continue in Ephesians 5, that Paul wrote concerning the mysterious fact that God still creates of our marriages a “one flesh” condition that enables us to reflect Him just as Adam and Eve were intended to do.

Understanding that husbands and wives are equal parts of a whole, and are created to cooperatively reflect the image and likeness of God, let’s look at Ephesians 5:22-24 again. This time, let’s read it in terms of instruction to wives as to how to best support their husbands in that God given endeavor. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

When considered in light of all that we have discussed, Wives submitting to their husbands takes on a much different meaning. First, women should do this understanding it is required of them by God, and therefore they are actually doing so in obedience to Him. Their submission is directed toward their husband but is determinately done for their Lord. With that correct motivation she becomes enabled to do so regardless of her husband’s actions. While her words and actions may be recognized in relationship to her husband, they are in response to her God. That is why she is instructed in this scripture to submit to her husband as to the Lord. Christ is essentially saying “Ladies, submit to your husbands…but don’t do it because they are good to you, do it because I have been so good to you…don’t do it for them…do it for me!”

Next week we will continue with these verses and look at what it truly means that the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church. I know that this statement often leads to some difficulty when considering that God views both the husband and the wife as equally valuable. I am excited to dig into it further next time.

Questions to answer:

Do you look at yourselves as a perfectly matched set, each having equal value yet differing function within your marriage?
How should a fuller understanding of Genesis 2:18 affect your view of Ephesians 5:22-24?
Wives, what difference does it make in how you think about submission when you realize that your submission to your husband is actually accomplished through submission to your Lord?
How can your submission to your husband aid him in your marriages ability together to reflect God?

Actions to take:

Continue to read through Ephesians 5:21-33 daily asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to you greater truths contained there.
Ask God to help you understand as a couple the value of choosing to respond to one another as He asks you to in regards to your marriage. Seek his wisdom and note the answers He gives to you.

So now, walking in the wonderful position that God has given you as husband and wife, and responding toward each other out of your grateful response to Him…Go be awesome!