Hi, Pastor Ken here with the Monday Marriage Message, thanks for joining me.

As I mentioned last week we are going to begin looking at an entire selection of scripture having to do with marriage and will continue for as many episodes as necessary to inspect it and glean from it what we can. I am more than sure that I will be unable to pick any branch clean and note every truth contained therein, but I look forward to the process of doing the best I am able. I am cognizant that God’s word says that His ways and thoughts are immeasurably higher than mine, but I am equally aware that 2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells me that all scripture is useful for teaching us how to live…and that certainly includes our marriages.

The scripture I have chosen to begin with today is a very familiar passage. I have utilized it often in my own teaching on the subject of marriage and it is probably the most used by others for that purpose as well. In fact, Ephesians chapter 5 is highlighted in many bibles as the marriage chapter. We usually look at verses 22-33 of that chapter for instruction on marriage, but for the purposes of our study of this passage, I want to begin with verse 21. In this first episode dedicated to this particular passage, I will read the passage in its entirety, and then we will begin to digest it from the beginning. In subsequent editions, I will simply pick up where we left off the week before.

Ephesians 5:21-33 as read from the New King James Version.

²¹ submitting to one another in the fear of God. ²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶ that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷ that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. ³⁰ For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. ³¹ “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ³² This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Beginning with verse ²¹ submitting to one another in the fear of God. I think it highly important to start here rather than with the ensuing verse. When people read this passage of scripture beginning with verse 22 the erroneous understanding that can emerge is that wives alone are required to submit. Nothing could be further from the truth. No wonder wives throughout history have resisted this scripture! When taken out of context it appears to make her and her alone responsible to live subject to another. I have heard it taught that the pushback that wives exhibit to verse 22 is a manifestation of the curse resulting from the original sin of humankind. This idea comes from what God said to Eve recorded in Genesis 3:16 To the woman He (God) said: I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you. I believe that we often look at the “curse” that we read of in Genesis chapter 3 incorrectly. I think it is perceived by many as God essentially saying to Adam and Eve, “You have broken my rules so now I am angry with you and am going to curse you as a punishment for your disobedience”. This is not at all the spirit of the passage. Chapter 3 begins with a description of the serpent (Satan) deceiving Eve, and Adam deciding to go against the instruction God had given him, as he joined her in rebellion against God. Surprisingly, we do not see as we might expect, an angry God. The scripture tells us that God (who by the way is omniscient) came that evening seeking to spend time with Adam and Eve, as He did every day. After Adam who was hiding with Eve, disclosed what transpired, God acted in love. He did not kill Adam out of anger, instead, out of love He killed another of His creation, an animal, shed its blood to make a covering for Adam and Eve and the recognition of their nakedness and vulnerability that sin had exposed. God then cursed the serpent…and explained to Adam and Eve how the consequences of their selfishness and distrust of Him would now impact their lives. After this description of life going forward, His mercy on them was further exemplified. Genesis 3:22 tells us that because God knew that Adam and Eve had now experienced evil, He was concerned that if they ate from the tree of life, they would be trapped forever in their sinful condition. To guard them from this irreparable danger, God lovingly put them outside the garden where they would be unable to access potential eternal life separated from Himself.

I mention all of this because sometimes people get the idea that God was mad at Adam and Eve for ruining His perfect plan and in anger, He cursed them by making theirs and every subsequent marriage a contentious relationship. It can be deduced (though I believe incorrectly) that marriage has to be problematic and inherently difficult because of ‘paradise lost’. Yes it is true that while in the Garden of Eden Adam and Eve enjoyed perfect unity, perfect equality, together perfectly reflecting the character and qualities of their Creator God. There they acted, spoke, and lived in perfect harmony under the leadership of God. In that place, all was in perfect order, man and woman together on equal footing under the authority of God. As a result of their sin and their understanding of good and evil they did have to be placed outside of the Garden for their own protection as I explained a moment ago. One of the consequences of living outside the Garden was they could no longer walk daily with God, looking to Him for their collective leadership. With a continued need for order, for all things operate correctly under the constraint of order, God chose the first created, Adam to have responsibility for the wellbeing of his wife Eve. This less-than-perfect order of Husband, lord over wife, and wife, subservient to her husband was necessary because the perfectly designed order had been broken by Adam and Eve’s selfishness and distrust in God’s direction. It remained so until Jesus came as the perfect sacrifice for their and our sin and made a way for the relationship between mankind and God to be restored.

Under the new covenant, human beings are again able to walk daily with God. Husbands and wives can once again operate in equality, together looking to God for the headship of their marriages. We still reside in a profoundly fallen world and perfection will not be possible until God creates the “New Heaven and the New Earth” described for us in Revelation chapter 21. However, God once again desires husbands and wives to act as completely equal partners following His lead and reflecting Him as they were originally created to do. The Apostle Paul speaks of this restored equality in Christ in Galatians 3:28, and yet the order outside of Eden remains in effect. Paul is not saying in that scripture that we are no longer men or women, or that there are no longer those who are in authority over and under the authority of others, He is simply making the point that in Christ we all have equal status. It is the same Paul who wrote what we are studying here in Ephesians 5:21-33. What this means is that the order God set in place after the fall remains, but the restored equality we have in Christ should also impact our marriages.

This understanding is actually clarified for us if we begin reading this portion of scripture from Ephesians 5 starting with verse 21 as I suggest we should. ²¹ submitting to one another in the fear of God. When we begin here we see clearly that in Christ, submission in marriage is a two way street. The husband and wife’s equality are exemplified in that they are both required to submit to one another. The phrase “in the fear of God” suggests this state of marital equality to operate under the headship of God, as originally designed. As we continue next time, we will discover practical ways Paul suggests that we can submit to one another best. I hope that this new format is as much a blessing to you as it is to me. I am thoroughly enjoying the process of the Holy Spirit connecting the dots as we work our way through this passage offered to us to develop marital oneness.

Questions to answer:

• What are your thoughts about the loss of perfect equality between Adam and Eve being one of the casualties of their sin?
• In light of that, when you consider Jesus being the perfect Lamb who came to take away the sin of the world, what effect should a personal relationship with Him have on restoring marital equality and unity?
• What difficulties do you recognize sin has caused you and your spouse to have operating in perfect equality, unity and harmony?

Actions to take:

• Commit to reading Ephesians 5:21-33 at least 3-5 times per week during the course of our study and ask God to reveal even further truths to you that can impact the way you and your spouse interact with each other and with Him.

So now, in awe of God, and as an act of renewed equality and unity found in Christ, submit to one another…and Go Be Awesome!

Allow me to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! In light of the holidays, which are no doubt offering many of us opportunities to be busy spending time with friends and family, I will not be podcasting next week. I will look forward to continuing our study of Ephesians chapter 5 in the New Year, see you then.

Hi, this is Pastor Ken, thanks for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message.

As those of you who have been joining me for this marriage podcast know, I always attach scripture to the marital concepts I share. The reason for this is obvious. As a pastoral counselor, I believe that there is undoubtedly a single source for all wisdom. Human beings can, and do, from time to time settle on a wise conclusion, but even blind squirrels find nuts once in a while. Any wisdom we quote-unquote “discover” is exactly that, a discovery. It is not our knowledge, it is God’s truth and we have simply had it revealed to us. Gravity is not Sir Isaac Newton’s concept; he simply recognized that it existed. Apples fell from trees long before one reportedly hit him on the head. God does allow for us to access some of His wisdom concerning marriage (among other things) through sources other than His written word. I have spoken before of the fact that Malachi 2:15 indicates that God endows every marriage (even ones that do not acknowledge Him) with a portion of His Holy Spirit. With this gift, there have been certain quote-unquote “rules” pertaining to marriage regardless of historical, societal, or religious context. This continuity is only possible with the presence of the Holy Spirit and the wisdom He attempts to unveil in every marital union. Additionally, In Romans 2:14-15 Paul writes that God has written His law upon the hearts of those who are His people and even those who are not. Paul says that without this knowledge of right and wrong given to us directly from God, we could not even possess a conscience. Again, these are examples of our limited ability to know truth aside from the Word, but they were never intended to be substitutions for the Word, nor should they ever be construed to be remotely equivalent. The Psalmist wrote, Your Word have I hidden in my heart that I might not sin against you. (Psalm 119:11) This verse indicates notable truths about the truth. First, it is all His truth, His word. Second, it is our responsibility to seek out and discover His truth so that we can possess it. Finally, once it is in our possession, it is our responsibility to employ His truth so that we are able to live as we ought to and in the way that will be most profitable for us.

It is for all of the reasons mentioned above that I am unwilling to offer any episode of this podcast without scriptural basis and reference. My hope is that as I offer these truths to you from God’s Word, and make you aware of where I obtained them, that you will go and search them out yourselves. I pray that you will be induced to spend time for yourselves in God’s word giving His Holy Spirit the opportunity to reveal some of these same…and additional truths to you, concerning your life and your marriage. There is an old saying that “Knowledge is power”, but that is a lie…Knowledge employed is power. It is only when we seek out, discover what God’s word has to say to us…and employ it…put it to use, that we begin to see real change and lasting improvement in our marriages and other facets of our walk with God.

Every week for the last 16 months I have offered biblical concepts that are intended to show you how to employ God’s wisdom and power to strengthen your marriage. Sometimes I have stayed with a concept for a number of weeks and developed a series surrounding that particular truth. Most of the time the concepts have varied from week to week. It has been comfortable and  rewarding to present this podcast that way, but now I want to try something new. Sometimes when a person speaks topically as I have been doing since I began this ministry, there is some question if the scriptures are always being used correctly. What I mean is that it is possible for someone to choose a topic and then find scripture that seemingly reinforces the speaker’s premise. I commit to you that I have done my very best to keep from doing just that. I spend hours researching and studying the scriptures I intend to use each week to make sure that the concept or idea I am purporting is in line with the original intent of the Word and not the other way around. Even though I work tirelessly to do that, I have decided for a season to bring this podcast to you in an expository manner. Beginning next week, I will take as many episodes as necessary to expose all of the truths that I am personally aware of concerning a particular scriptural reference. This may be a single verse, a portion of or an entire chapter, or may cover even more ground than that. I will not be moving away from a chosen text until it has been completely looked over. I do not pretend to have a totality of understanding of any of these passages but will offer to you all that I have come to know and understand as they pertain to marriage.

I am looking forward to this new endeavor. I will undoubtedly learn even more as I undertake it and I invite each and every one of you to join me on the journey. I am expecting what I have come to expect as I study any portion of God’s Word…continued revelation. I fully anticipate there will be times where the scriptural context surrounding the quote-unquote “Marriage scriptures” I’ve chosen will only serve to deepen our understanding of those passages and guide husbands and wives into greater relationship with each other and with their Lord.

Thank you for walking along with me over these past 16 months. I have enjoyed our time together, and I look forward to what God is going to do in all of our lives and marriages as we continue to follow Him.

So now, continuing to search out the scriptures so that you can develop your marital oneness into all that God wants it to be…Go Be Awesome!

Hi this is Pastor Ken and I want to thank you for joining me today for the Monday Marriage Message.

As a pastoral marriage counselor, I can’t help but hear, see and read things through the lens of how they might influence the institution of godly marriage. I regularly consider how all of it would either affect marriage in a negative or a positive way. I can honestly say that not much I experience won’t get poured through that particular filter. I think it helps me be a better counselor, pastor, teacher, and frankly a better spouse.

I was listening to a sports podcast this past week and the person being interviewed kept using a phrase that caught my attention. I know that he was employing it in a business model context, and that he had not coined the phrase personally, but it struck me how pertinent it is to an awesome marriage. This man kept expressing that in his role as the CEO of a particular sports league he continuously tried to make sure he was “Doing the next right thing”. He spoke of the many ups and downs, challenges and even controversies he had presided over during his tenure, and how “Doing the next right thing” had served him so well. As I listened I wondered, how much more successful we might all be at fulfilling our roles as husbands and wives if we were always looking for the opportunity to “Do the next right thing”.

Any realistic view of marriage is going to include challenges that are not always responded to as they ought to be. Tongue-in-cheek, I tell every couple who comes to me for pre-marital counseling that their marriage would be perfect except that the two of them are going to be a part of it. Human beings, it turns out, have a propensity for doing the wrong thing, simply stated, we are just good at it…that is why it is such an important endeavor to be looking for the chance to “Do the next right thing”. Even the Apostle Paul wrote that “If you marry you haven’t done anything wrong, but you will have trouble”. (My personal paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 7:28). “Doing the next right thing” is what shortens the duration of the trouble.

This is actually a biblical concept. I just said that “Doing the next right thing” has the potential to shorten the duration of marital trouble. I would go so far as to say that scripturally speaking it isn’t simply possible that will be the outcome, it is in fact, probable. When we are mistreated, the Bible offers several ways to “Do the next right thing”. One of my favorites is Romans 12:21. That verse instructs us, Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. I find it easy to remember chapter and verse for this concept because the idea here is to give back the reverse of what has been given; coincidentally, the reference is reversed as well…chapter 12, verse 21. But why would we do this? Conventional wisdom would indicate that if we let someone get away with mistreating us they will almost certainly think they can continue to do so. Right? Not so according to scripture, especially in close personal relationships such as marriage. I would like to read to you the verses leading up to this one, and I especially like the way The Living Bible says it. Romans 12:17-21; Never pay back evil for evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honest clear through. Don’t argue and fight with anyone. Be at peace with everyone, as much as is humanly possible. Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God, for he has said that he will repay those who deserve it. Don’t take the law into your own hands. Instead, feed your enemy if he is hungry. If he is thirsty give him something to drink and you will be “heaping coals of fire on his head.” In other words, he will feel ashamed of himself for what he has done to you. Don’t let evil get the upper hand, but conquer evil by doing good.

As I said worldly wisdom would say that returning evil for evil, is the only way to let someone know how it feels to be mistreated. Wordly wisdom on the other hand indicates otherwise. God’s thoughts on the subject indicate that “Doing the next right thing” by treating someone correctly though they have mistreated you, will bring them under conviction. Our thought is that they won’t know they were wrong if we don’t show them a reflection of their own behavior. God says that contrasting their poor actions with righteous ones will stand out much more clearly to them. I like that this scripture also gives remedy for a hardhearted person. If the contrast of returning good for evil doesn’t have its intended effect, we don’t need to fret, God is clear, He will repay them for their unrighteousness. We can simply stay in our lane and continue to “Do the next right thing”.

As hard as it is to admit, sometimes it is us who have been the instigator. Perhaps we didn’t start it, but we allowed ourselves to become engaged in the disrespectful words or unloving actions. Maybe we missed the first opportunity we had to “Do the next right thing”, possibly even the second or third. I get it, our spiritual enemy is always trying to kill, steal and destroy the peace in our marriages. The devil is constantly hard at work to get us off track. Thankfully, scripture offers the solution for that. “Do the next right thing” James 4:7 says Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Whenever you recognize that Satan has been getting his way in your marriage, respond as instructed…do what God would want you to, this is the first step in resisting the devil. God’s word is clear what the result of that will be…the devil will flee! Don’t let the enemy’s tactics of guilt and shame keep you from doing well, it’s not too late…it is always the right time to “Do the next right thing”.

Incidentally, if you have been listening to the Monday Marriage Message podcast for a while now you have undoubtedly heard me speak about the fact that the primary purpose of marriage according to scripture is to be a marital mirror God can look into and see His reflection. You have also heard me teach about the fact that it is in our God given one flesh condition that our potential to be more like Him is exponentially increased. Additionally, you have heard me encourage you to keep your eyes on your own paper, meaning that we all have the ability to make sure our portion of our marriage reflects God, regardless of what our spouse might be doing at any given time. If we keep these truths in mind the ability to follow the direction given in James four and “Do the next right thing” becomes more evident. When we “submit to God”, we do what He wants us to, which is to reflect Him. Additionally, if we submit to God we are allowing our half of our marriage to reflect him regardless of whether our “one flesh” partner is doing so or not. Finally, by submitting to God and reflecting Him we will be resisting the devil who would like to convince us in the moment that we should reflect the words, actions or attitude our spouse. So what powers such a response that is so contrary to our nature? Philippians 4:13 gives the answer…I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. As Christ followers, we don’t have to go-it-alone…even when our spouse isn’t in step with us. Christ gives the strength in every situation to “Do the next right thing”. All of us have the desire from time to time to reflect the poor attitudes of our spouse rather than the perfect ones of God. We are all occasionally tempted to reflect our spouse instead of our Creator. Thankfully, we can rest assured that; No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, (The next right thing) that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

While we are on the subject of being awesome marital mirrors who do a great job of choosing to “Do the next right thing” to reflect God, here are some additional encouragements. According to Proverbs 21:3. Choosing to “Do the next right thing” is more pleasing to God than sacrifice. Sacrifice in the Old Testament was the symbolic way that people illustrated their love and commitment to God. It was how they showed God it was their desire to be His people. So, when you choose to “Do the next right thing”, especially in terms of your marriage you are illustrating those very things to God. In fact, His word says that “Doing the next right thing” shows your love and commitment to Him better than anything else you could do.

Finally, If we want to reflect God well then we need to look like His Holy Spirit. In Galatians 5:22-23 we can read the exact attributes His Spirit exudes. Knowing that, we have even more clarity about what the visible results of our marital mirrors should be.  The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If we keep these fruits of His Spirit in our minds and we desire to allow them to be borne out in our lives, we will almost certainly always know how to “Do the next right thing”.

Questions to answer:

• What things get in the way of you choosing to “Do the next right thing”?
• What effect does it have on you when your spouse chooses to “Do the next right thing” in regards to a poor interaction with you?
• What effect has “Doing the next right thing”, or the lack of it, had on your marriage?

Actions to take:

• Consider ways that the two of you can attempt to increase the frequency of “Doing the next right thing”.
• Commit Galatians 5:22-23 to memory so that you are never without a great guideline of what the right response should be.

So now, reflecting your Creator in your marriage, choose to “Do the next right thing”…and go be awesome!

Hi, this is Pastor Ken and I want to welcome you to the Monday Marriage Message.

When people come to see me for help with their marriage, I invite them to sit down and tell me how I can help. This question often reveals much more than a couple may have intended to let me in on during our first visit. What I mean by that is that their answer to that question often times tells me much more than the words alone convey.

As people tell me what they deem to be the marital problem they are struggling with, most times it seems their opinion is that if their spouse would only speak, act or respond differently, the problem would dissipate. People are gracious and most don’t desire to unload all of the blame for the trouble in their marriage on their spouse. So, they often preface the unpacking of their spouses transgressions by stating “I know I am not perfect, but…” and then proceed to let me in on their spouse’s imperfections which are of course the source of all of their trouble.

The “problem spouse” in these situations usually react in one of several ways. They may just sit quietly and endure the exposition of all of their wrongdoing. They might take issue with their spouse on one or two points, picking their battles, but offering excuses for the seemingly more egregious of their failures. Sometimes they will rise up and disagree with all of it and then try to turn the tables and share that while they may do the things their spouse is complaining about, every failure on their part is only a reaction to their spouses failures.

As I said a moment ago, all of this is far more revealing than the parties sitting in front of me understand. So what do I know? What am I able to extract from these particular conversations?

First of all the primary problem that is revealed in these situations is that there is a serious lack of developed unity. If the couple agree with my assessment, they may think that means that they are not on the same page, do not see the issues the same way, and therefore are unable to get along in peace. While these things might in fact be problematic for them, that is not at all what I mean by underdeveloped unity or oneness. I understand that the fact that they see things differently than one another, and that they don’t agree on solutions is not indicative of a lack of unity. Their propensity to view those differences as problematic is what indicates their oneness has not been developed as it should have. Unity is not a meeting of the minds, unity is the strength obtained by recognizing and valuing the differences possessed as providing more ways to work together…not fewer.

What these couples are effectively doing is indicting, judging and convicting each other as wrong simply because the other does not act, think and respond as they would. They often see every differing response from their spouse as argumentive, and as a personal attack.

This leads to the second difficulty troubling these couples. Their judgmental attitudes toward one another. Each is standing in judgment of the actions words and thoughts of the other. One of the phrases I use to help couples successfully resolve this problem is to “Keep their eyes on their own paper”. What do I mean by that? I prefer to let Scripture explain.

While giving the Sermon on the Mount Jesus addressed this very issue. In Matthew 7:1-5 it is recorded that He said; “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?  How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

When we decide that another person should not say, think or respond in a certain way we are judging them. Certainly there are times when this is necessary, and in fact there are occasions where we would not be doing our due diligence if we failed to discern between right and wrong. Parenting is an excellent example of this. We would do far more harm than good if we chose to simply ignore incorrect responses in our children. Scripture indicates that we must parent responsibly. Proverbs tells us that if we want a good outcome we need to offer our children our correction. “Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.” Proverbs 13:24 Another example comes from Proverbs 22:6, Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. It is clear, in the parent/child relationship, we are to make our children aware of their missteps and take the necessary steps ourselves to correct them. I believe however, that even in the parental role, scripturally we are cautioned that the measure we use to judge our children’s activity will be used on us in our interactions with them going forward.

Additionally, we see in scripture that if we have a brother or sister in Christ who has sinned against us we are instructed to go to them privately and make them aware of the problem. Only if that doesn’t bring resolution are we to delicately follow the biblical prescription of involving others, and always from a pure motive of love. Even here we must be cautious to do so in a non-judgmental nature, offering the same level of grace and mercy that we would want shown to us. (Matthew 18:15-17)

Interestingly within the marital relationship, the scripturally prescribed response to a perceived failure is different altogether. I believe this to be for several reasons. I give them in no particular order, though all are offered for careful consideration. First, the response to a judgmental attitude is far more abrasive within a marriage. People respond to perceived spousal judgment with much less tolerance than any other. This is a result of their Oneness. No one easily accepts criticism from an equal, and the reaction is very likely to be a Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in mine!”

Second, Judgement within the marital relationship is often misplaced. What I mean by this is that misinterpretation of the words, actions, and more importantly, motives occurs with arguably higher frequency between spouses than in any other relationship. Again, the reason for this is that spouses often misunderstand unity, as well as the fact that the marital relationship is of higher consequence than any other one.

Finally, I believe that we are to respond differently in the marital relationship because we are in fact “one flesh” If we respond to our spouse with judgement…we bring judgment upon ourselves. It is nearly, if not impossible altogether, to judge the actions of one’s spouse from a position of selflessness. The fact is that if we are judging our spouse it is likely because we don’t like the way they have responded toward us…and that is a selfish motive. When we are being judgmental from a position of selfishness, it cannot be offered in a way that is godly, and will therefore be incorrectly applied regardless of the validity of the complaint.

Scripture prescribes responding to marital difficulty differently than any other relationship as I mentioned a moment ago. 1 Peter 3:1-7 says, Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

Obviously, the Apostle Peter wrote this instruction to husbands and wives to help them know how to interact with one another in a way found pleasing to God. As he wrote, Peter understood that the wives who read his instructions to them would have known all too well the story of Sarah and Abraham. He understood they would have known that Sarah spoke with respect to a husband who had not always acted respectably in regards to his treatment of her. Peter made the point that Sarah’s response toward Abraham was the correct one even in light of His mistreatment of her. To the husbands, Peter instructs that when a man’s wife interacts with him, he is to respond with understanding; he is to treat her with honor and care for her as the weaker or more fragile, but also as the more valuable vessel. I believe his intimation here is that the wife is a vessel to be regarded more carefully and of higher value just as one would be more careful with a crystal vase as opposed to one made of iron. In the marital relationship we are to respond to one another with the highest regard at all times and it is my belief that this scripture indicates that within that special relationship we are to let our lack of judgment and the work of the Holy Spirit do all of the convicting.

Questions to answer:

• Is it easy or difficult for you to remain non-judgemental within the bounds of your marriage?
• If you recognize that you have responded to your spouse judgmentally in the past what were the results of that?
• If you feel that your spouse responds to you judgmentally sometimes, how does that make you feel?

Actions to take:

• Discuss what your marriage would look like if you knew that judgmental attitudes were rarely or never present.
• If necessary seek your spouse’s forgiveness for your past judgmental attitudes toward them.
• Ask God to help you respond to your spouse the way that He wants you to…especially when it is difficult to do so.

So now, learning to respond and react toward your spouse only in the ways that God’s word instructs, trusting that His precepts are perfect for your marriage…go be awesome!

Hi this is Pastor Ken and thanks for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message.

This past weekend I had the privilege of officiating a wedding ceremony for a sweet young couple. As I spoke to them during the ceremony I reminded them of several things I had shared with them during their pre-marital counseling. I reiterated to them and their guests that though I was being given the honor of pronouncing the newlyweds to be husband and wife, it was not I who was marrying them. I directed them to the truth that is was in fact God who would be taking the two of them and making them one. Jesus said in Mathew 19:4-6 “Have you not read that in the beginning He who created them, made them male and female, and said ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.’” Then Jesus added this statement, “And so they are no longer two, but one flesh, therefore what God has joined together let not man separate.” Jesus was clear, when a man and a woman are married, though one authorized to do so speaks the words, and though a governmental entity endorses the process, it is God and God alone who is able to marry a couple together and make the two become one. Having made that point, Jesus was correct to say that what is joined together by God should not be considered something to ever be undone by any human being.

After laying that groundwork I mentioned to the couple that since it was God who was in fact marrying them, I felt that there were some things He would want them to remember as they began their lives as husband and wife.

First, I told them that I believe God would ask them to remember that it was by His own design and hand that they were made so differently one from another. That it was with great purpose and intent that He designed the two of them to think differently than each other, to need differently than one another and to react differently than the other. I mentioned that God would tell them to always keep in mind He did this for their blessing…not to distract or disappoint them. He would ask them to embrace all of the differences understanding that those differences were designed to enhance their relationship…not detract from it. Finally I reminded them that God would challenge them to see the differences as things of beauty to be cherished and not as flaws requiring change.

Genesis 1:26 and 27 speak of the fact that when God decided to create mankind with the intent that we would reflect Him He created both a man and a woman. Two similar vessels yet containing vastly different qualities and characteristics all designed to be reflective of their Creator, especially when joined together in marriage. While He created us differently than one another, each having our own unique strengths and abilities, He intends for us to see those differences as valuable in assisting us to work together for a common purpose. This becomes abundantly clear as we look at the entirety of those two simple verses. Then God said, “Let Us (God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit, differing in function yet always united in purpose)make man ( or mankind) in Our image, according to Our likeness; (to act and function as we act and function in total unison) Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” (this will be their united purpose for which we have made them alike and yet so different from one another, to manage all that they can see, hear, taste, smell and touch) So God created man in His own image; in the image of God he created him; (God’s purpose for creating mankind was clearly to reflect Him) male and female He created them. (God, being so much greater than we are, needed to create both a man and a woman to be capable of containing all of the characteristics necessary to be reflective of Himself)

Second, I reminded the couple that I believe that as God is joining them He would want them to be reminded that as a married couple they will now have even greater capacity to look and sound like Him. I told them that this would be made evident as they interact with each other as well as with those around them. I reminded them that God would want them to recognize that the design of marriage was intended to complete the process of creating them in His image, and I encouraged them that as they allowed God to inextricably join them one with the other their potential to be more like him became exponentially increased.

I was able to share this with them because God shares it with us in His own word. Genesis chapter two gives us greater detail about how the two verses I referenced a moment ago in Genesis 1:26 & 27 came to be. In chapter two we read that first God created Adam from the dust of the ground. That He saw and stated that Adam was not completely capable of living up to the intended purpose of reflecting God by himself. There we read that to remedy this God took bone and flesh from Adam and created Eve. As a result, Adam was able to make the declaration in Genesis 2:23 that he and Eve were a married couple. And Adam said, (upon being presented with Eve) “This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man.” (Adam essentially said we are one flesh, a term used by God and later, Christ to refer to marriage. Adam made note of the fact that He and Eve were created married) God seemingly endorsed Adam’s understanding in the very next verse where it is recorded that God said; And for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two of them shall become one flesh.

Third, I was able to remind the couple God knows they are human, made in his likeness but not perfect in all of their ways as He is. Understanding that…the opportunity for them to look more like Him will always be right there in their marriage each day. I encouraged them that God deals with all of us with grace and mercy and so He would always want the two of them to use grace and mercy liberally with each other. Love is always increased through these characteristics…never depleted by them.

Hebrews 4:16 tells us that because of our relationship with Jesus we know that we know that we can come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. As intended reflectors of God it should be no surprise that He would want us to respond to one another in the same way that He responds to us.

I closed my charge to that young couple with these thoughts.  I told them that as God married them and made them one that I could be confident that He would say to them what He had already said in His word. As they are married, they are no longer two, but one. I told them that He would encourage them to think no longer as individuals, but as part of something bigger and greater than themselves. He would remind them that He intends to be an important part of their marriage, and that if they would rely on Him for the inner strength, nothing will ever be able to separate the two of them as long as they both would live.

I was able to tell them that with joy and boldness because Jesus is actually the one who said it first. As I noted when I began today, in Mathew 19:6 it is recorded for us that when questioned about what happens when two people marry, Jesus replied, “…They are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together let not man separate”.

What a joy it is for me when I am given the privilege to minister to a couple in that special way! I am thankful that I am afforded that particular opportunity with regularity in my ministry as the counseling pastor here at our Crossroad Community Church. I pray for that young couple as I have for each of the many couples I have been blessed to work with and officiate weddings for, that they might have all of the blessings reserved for those who use their marriages to be good reflectors of their Creator, the One who made them one.

So now, with a greater understanding of what God wants you to be in your marriage, reflect Him in every possible way…and go be awesome!